Reflections

     This weekend, I got to be home, celebrating my mom's birthday with her.  And it has been super good to take time to spend with my family.  I miss them all so much while I'm away.  Today, my mom and my youngest brother and I went around at the lake in my hometown, taking pictures, and enjoying the beauty that God had given us in this fall day.  While we were there, the lake was nice and calm, creating the perfect mirror of the autumn beauty around it.  It looked otherworldly.  It was like the lake was not a lake at all, but a continuation of the world above it, but with a different depth.  It was so cool, and we took several pictures of that awesome reflection.
     Those reflections reminded me of some other reflections that I had been thinking on the other day.  We had been given time to reflect on our semester so far in chapel, and here's what I wrote down:
     Oh Lord, to reflect on the semester, I see both joys and pain.  Joy at finally not having any boy drama of my own, joy at having so many good friends that I can lean on and help support.  Father, you've been so good to me.  Thank you for using this time to grow me, to mold me more into the woman you want me to become.  Help continue to grow me through the pains of this semester.  Father I know you will, because of all that you've brought me through in the past.  You bless me each and every day, and I'm truly thankful.  I may not always act like it, but Father, you know my heart, and you know the overflowing joy that resides there.  And as I go through this hard time of losing a friend, I pray that you will often remind me of all the joy I have.  Father, I don't know how this time in my life is going to play out.  Will my friendship be reconciled?  Am I going to be able to pull through on all my studies?  Will I be able to graduate on a decent time frame?  Will I find somewhere and something that I love to do after college?  I don't know.  Only you know, and I will follow you.  I only worry about how hard my hearing is though.  Am I and will I hear your calling correctly?  Father, I do not know what you are preparing me for.  It scares me.  As much as I know that you hold me in the palm of your hand, I still worry.  I don't question your ability, but I question my own.  I question where I am to meet you.  Help me Lord to find my way.

Victories in Jesus

     "Oh Victory in Jesus, my Savior forever..."  It has been a very long time since I have sung that wonderful old hymn.  I can't even remember how long it has been.  But it is a song I like to sing every now and then as a reminder of His goodness.
     Here at school, we take time away from classes to participate in Day of Prayer and Bible conference.  They are wonderful days when we can simply dig into God's word, meditate on it, and worship Him.  I love these days.  Seeing everyone come together to worship and rest in His word, it's like glimpsing what Heaven will be like, and it makes me so excited to live like that for all eternity.  But over my few years here, I've noticed a trend among the sessions.  The trend is the topics of pain and struggling, and admitting that we're going through it.
     Now struggling is an important issue, I'll be the first to say so.  We need to remember our humanity, our brokenness and our failings.  We also need to remember that we are not alone in our suffering.  But in all that remembering, I think we lose sight of another important topic.
     There's so many people who refuse to live in the past.  They say they don't want their past to define them, or that the past is the past and cannot change, so why bother dwelling on it?  And whenever something bad happened, I'm one of those people.  But in living so much in a present- and future-minded way, we have gotten to an instant-gratification mindset and we forget the lessons the past had to teach us.  
     In such a way, I think we often forget to dwell on the victories that God has brought us through.  We get caught up in thinking about all that still needs to be done.  We forget the blessings and the victories of the past.  We forget about that very thing that gives us our hope for the things God will do.
     How often do we rejoice and worship in those victories?  How often are we just wowed and awed by what God has done?  How often are our thanksgivings off-the-cuff- niceties?  "Thank you Lord for getting me through this week."  "Thank you for the wonderful weather we had."  "Thanks for helping me pass this test."  "Thanks for letting the interview go well."  Thanks for this small detail of my life that I will forget about in ten seconds.
     Most often, our praise of God focuses on His death on the cross and what that meant for us.  And while that is huge, fundamental, and very important, it's also limiting.  Our view of God is too small if we think that His sacrifice and what He will do is all He's good for.  We have such a tremendous opportunity to be astounded by what God has done, and to be blown away by why we place our hope in Him.  "God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, He's so good to me."  He continually shows us that, and we so often forget.

The Pain Family

I was reflecting on Job the other day, and all the pain he went through during the time when Satan was trying to get him to curse God.  That then got me thinking about the different types of pain there are.  Then that became this:

The Pain Family

There's a family that came to visit
Nay, they came to stay.
Their presence follows me around sometimes
Their touch invading the every day.
There's Father Pain, a big strong man, who carries a crushing weight.
There's Mother Pain, a quiet woman, who permeates everything with melancholy.
Then Child Pain, so young yet, who comes on hot and fast, energy spiking and fading quickly.
They come 'round one by one, sometimes in pairs, sometimes by their three.
Their presence is unwelcomed, but how can they be asked to leave?
How can these hospitable responsibilities be relieved?
They need another invitation, but not from this poor soul.  
But that offer's already extended, I just need to let them go.

Growing Pains

     I'm an adult now.  I don't always act like it, or feel like it, but the truth of is still there.  I'm also feeling it more than I used to.  I don't bounce back as easily after very little sleep, working out can leave me sore, and the worries of life can lay pretty heavily on me.  I'm also seeing a shift in my attitude.  I feel entitled to my own opinions now, and I feel the freedom to be more open about them and to be blunt.  I see and I feel how different I am from the freshman class, and I see how much I have changed since I was their age and younger.  I don't feel as carefree as I did then, either.  
     My height doesn't extend beyond 5'2", and I was 16 when the x-rays proved that it never would.  Physically, I'm done with growing pains.  But they still happen in other areas of my life.  Spiritually, I still go through growing pains and I always will.  I love seeing the result of those growing pains, but like the name implies, the experience isn't all rainbows and butterflies.  
     Today I got to go on a wonderful coffee date with my beautiful roommate.  It was such a good time, because we talked through a lot of hard things, and also through some silly things.  The hard things we talked about were growing pains, both ones that we had gone through and ones that others around us have gone through or are going through.  But the discussion left me thinking, and I realized that I'm going through a growing pain right now, even after just finishing with one.  This pain pertains to balance.
     As an upper-classman, more is expected of me: more reading, more papers, more answers, and more or deeper relationships.  I can't do it.  I want to, but I just can't.  I don't have the time nor the strength.  I love being a relational person, I love being with people and being the best friend to them I can possibly be.  But too much of that makes my schoolwork suffer, and that's never good.  At the same time, too much schoolwork makes my relationships suffer, and my spiritual rejuvenation as well.  Being around people that I care about re-energizes me, and I feel stifled otherwise.  So the hard part is finding a balance between school and friends that lets me do well in all areas.  
     This is bigger than me though, and God, I need you.  There is no way I am getting through this semester on my own.  I pray, Father, that you would give me the ability to make the most of my friendships, and I pray that you would help me to keep up with my studies.  This struggle is really weighing me down, and I am in need of you and your strength.  Father, to you I commit this struggle.  Fill me with your peace, knowing that you have my life held in your hand, and that there is no where I can fall that you will not be there to catch me.  Amen.

P. S. -- This is my theme song for this semester: 

The Time Band-aid

     I'm beginning to think that I may never get good at posting regularly on this blog.  There's just something about wanting to write the right words, and leave the rest alone.  But it's also good--it allows for the passage of time and the healing effects that Time can give.  There's also something about wanting to post the lesson, rather than all the mess it took to learn it.  So where does that leave us?  It leaves us space to reminisce and ruminate.

     I'll start with camp again, and move on from there.  As much as camp was a lonely place this summer, especially for the first part, it had its lessons to teach me.  Mostly camp gave me a place where God could get my attention better.  The biggest lesson that He taught me was to let go.  

     I had been struggling with the bad semester that I had.  Even though the season had changed, the memory and pain of the prior season still stabbed me.  I couldn't figure out why.  I wanted to move past it, to let it be a spring board for my current season, but it was more of an anchor.  No matter how far I tried getting away from that anchor, there was always the painful yank as I came to the end of its heavy chain.  I struggled against that chain, asking God "why? why must I still be dragged down by this?"  An image came to me--like a short, silent (but colored) movie.  There was me, holding on to this issue like a sword, holding tight to it to keep it from Satan's hands.  But there was Satan, toying with me, yanking it this way and that inside my grip, hitting me with it.  Like a bully using your own arm to smack you, saying "why are you hitting yourself?  Why are you hitting yourself?"  The scene changed then, with a new character coming onto the set.  I stood behind God while He held my issue-sword.  He held it strong and true, and Satan could come no where near it, much less use it against me.  

     After that, I got the picture.  I had been so busy trying to hold onto that issue myself that I hadn't been asking God the right thing.  I had been asking Him "Help me keep this from Satan's hands.  Help me keep him from using it against me."  I should have been asking Him "Take this from me.  I do not have the strength nor the skill to carry this on my own."  Once I had that figured out, last semester quit weighing on me like an anchor.  I still struggle with it occasionally, when the topic is brought up, but the pain isn't there like it once was.  God is so good.

     That brings us now to another lesson that I'm working on, and one that I think I'll struggle with for quite some time yet.  I started to work on it last semester, but it's still a major issue in my life.  That's the issue of my pride--more specifically, my independence.  I'm a very independent person, as I can see looking on my own life and as God keeps reminding me.  Even with the lesson of letting go, my independence problem showed itself.  I had been asking God to help ME with hanging on to my issue.  I need to stop doing that.  When am I going to learn that I'm not strong enough?  

     I've always had this independence problem, this self-reliance.  I'm never quick to open up about what I'm feeling, and when I do there's usually tears involved and unintelligible words, and I try and do as much as I can myself.  I'm not good at asking for help.  Asking for help feels like giving in, being defeated.  I'm not really sure what is defeating me though.  I want to say I'm just being hyper-responsible.  I want to take responsibility for my actions, my circumstance, my everything.  And while responsibility is a good thing, I think I'm taking it too far, trying to be responsible for things that are bigger than me and that I have no control over.  That's the part that's getting me in trouble.  

      But I'm working on it.  I'm getting better at sharing, talking to people about what's going on in my life.  I'm learning to recognize sooner the things that I can't control, and the things that I need to ask for help with.  It amazes me how easy it is to slip back into that independent mindset though.  I mean, how can I think that I can face off against all of life's challenges and come out victorious?  I am human, and that is impossible.  Anyway, it's an ongoing arduous journey, but I'm taking it on faith that God will shape me in His own design.  He has already done so much.

Here we go with camp again...

     So I know camp's been the focus of my last few posts, but this one's not going to be any different.  Maybe the next one will.  I'd say that I'm not quite as downhearted about camp now.  Nothing here has actually changed, but I have.  In a way, I guess I could say that I've stopped trying to put down any roots here.  And that's mostly true, but not quite an accurate description.  I don't really know how to express it.  With as much as the written word is my way of communicating, communicating my feelings is another challenge altogether.  I'm working on that challenge, but I think I still have my work cut out for me on it.  But anyway, I need to get back on topic before I ramble too much.  Camp... right.  I guess I feel more detached from it than I was before.  I know what it is! I'm letting go of my expectations.
     In my mind, camp was supposed to be this opportunity to escape life for a while, to spend time with kids, to make great new friends, to have a lot of fun, and maybe earn a decent tan for once.  My reality?  I sat in a box of a room, waiting for the phone to ring, looking at the world pass by around me while I sat at a computer and a desk, a window in front of me and a window beside me.  I discovered how much of an extrovert I've truly become as I was restricted to my box of a room, sitting there for hours, and talking only on the phone for brief minutes with strangers.  Whenever I was out of the box, I could find no one to hang out with--everyone was either working or asleep.  It was so lonely, and there were nights that I fell asleep with tears rolling down my cheeks.  I missed my world, my two homes.  I missed my family, and I missed my corner of the city, with all my friends.  I felt really alone for most of the summer.  When I did have the opportunity to hang out with people, I felt like such an outsider.  I felt like I was just flitting around the edges of already-established friend groups, or I felt like my time of life was so far away from some of the other summer staff members.  Only a handful of the people here could I connect with, and with our different schedules, it was a rare occurrence when we had time to talk and hang out.  So my reality was absolutely nothing like what I had imagined.
      I always found it so ironic that the common theme of the poster we did was that I'm an encouragement.  I was always so miserable.  Sure, I always laughed and smiled at the right times, but underneath that, I felt how truly shallow those smiles and laughs were.  The only times they were deeper was when I was with the handful of people I connected with.  And those were just a stabbing pain that added to my misery because I knew that it would never get any deeper.  There wasn't enough time.
     So what has changed within me to go from misery to something else?  I've let go of my expectations.  I'd be lying if I said there wasn't still sadness, but it's sadness for the lack of time to really get to know the people I've connected with.  I think my misery has also been lessened because I've started looking towards the next chapter of my life: Junior year at Grace.  I've been getting things ready for my return, and so I'm excited to get back to Omaha.  I'm not dwelling on camp as much anymore.  I feel this chapter of my life closing, and I'm ready for it.
     But I've also been reflecting on my time here.  Like I asked in my last post, 'What is my purpose here?'  I think part of what God had for me was a chance to learn who I really am.  Camp stripped away all of my support systems--family and friends.  They weren't here.  So I had to learn how to go about life without leaning on them.  I still talked to them every chance I got, thank goodness for texting, but it's not the same.  Phone tag is no substitute for the real deal, the hugs, the sound of their voice, their laughter at all the jokes.  It's been tough to see how much I rely on my friends and family.  It's also been tough to wrestle with my demons, and to finally give them over to God.  Part of why I rely so much on friends and family is because I can submerge myself in their worlds, and distract myself from feelings or thoughts that I don't want to deal with.  And my situation at camp forced me to deal with the things I had been running from.
     So camp... I came in, expecting to have an experience focused on others.  But the experience that God had for me was much more internal, so much more focused.  I needed to experience me in a way that I hadn't before.  Finally seeing that has made such a difference.  I'm content now.  I know now what my purpose here was.  If I ever come back, maybe my experience will be more others-focused.  But this time, God taught me a lot about myself. 

Purpose

     Lord, I want to thank you for this summer.  It has been fun, and it has also been trying.  The trying part comes from me not really knowing what my purpose is here.  I've been struggling with that a lot.  It can't be to impact the kids that come through here, because the most I can do is wave at them from behind my glass.  And I don't see this time as one that will produce long-lasting friendships.  Half of the staff feel so far away from me, just because of personality differences.  And with the ones I have gotten to know, I don't have the opportunity to get to know them better.  So what is my purpose?  The answer that I've seen so far is that I am to encourage people.  You keep reminding me about the poster that everyone signed at the beginning, and how its common theme is encouragement.  So is that all of my purpose here?  Am I missing something? 
    I also wonder about what you have for me here this summer.  How are you going to grow me?  So far, I feel like you're showing me the power of prayer.  I also think its a summer of letting go.  Letting go of past mistakes, letting go of boy drama, and letting go of my control.  Because I want you in control, Lord.  Not me.  I'm just afraid of letting go because I don't know if I can hear your voice well enough yet.  So if I let go, will I just sort of be floating aimlessly?  I know you're there, ready to catch me, but it's like that space between a dangling foot and the step.  not very far at all, but it's truly terrifying.  So help me to have the courage to let go, and fall into your arms.  Help me to hear your voice, and to follow your leading.  Help me to be who you want me to be.
     Amen.

Addictions

     There are plenty of things to get addicted to in this life: substances, habits, places, people.  One can get addicted to pretty much anything.  And with every addiction comes the withdrawals.  Different effects come with each type of withdrawal, and symptoms can differ with the person.
     My symptoms are both emotional and physical.  There is nothing but time that I can take to ease my sufferings.  If I wanted to drug myself I could--there are plenty enough pills for that.  But those are a weakness, and they only mask the pain anyway.
     So wrestle I shall with these withdrawals.  the tears that slip and burn with every closed eyelid.  The sobs that silently wrack my body, so that no one knows how shattered I am.  The longing and the pain that are so strong that I can't swallow, can't live with the sick feeling in my stomach, the hollow pit in my heart.
     I miss home--both of them.  I miss my family, my own bed, my pets, my stars.  And I miss the family I've made at school.  I miss laughing and joking with people who know the references.  I miss being totally nerdy.  I miss being completely me.
     I'm so alone here.  No one knows the references that are common to my tongue.  No one here shares my brand of nerdiness.  And there's no way to share that large part of who I am.  I talk a lot less here.  Not that I don't have words to say, but that I have no one to understand them.
     I think back to a time when I would have been fine with that.  A time when I could only be called an introvert.  But now I've changed, and the extrovert in me holds dominance.  I feel like I'm living a shadow life, one that grows brighter only with the times that I can talk to people from my real life. 
     And the longer I stay in this shadow life, the stronger the withdrawals get.  I could let myself get addicted to the people in this shadow life, but an addiction like that takes time to foster.  And this life is, after all, only a shadow.  It will fade away soon enough.
     In the end, I'm stuck with these withdrawals and the time it will take to heal them.  May the shadow life fade quickly.

Who are You? Who am I?

Who am I?  I am but a college student, a nobody from a nowhere town.  I've done nothing in particular, haven't traveled far from home.  i was never one of the popular kids and I don't intend to start now.  I'm just me, a nobody from a nowhere town.

Who are you?  You are God almighty, who fills all of eternity.  You created the whole of the universe, every star and every planet in perfect harmony, singing together the glory of your name.  you created all of life, and the balance and wonder that is within each system--from the beauty and depths of the sea, to the jungles and forests on land.  You made it all, and the whole of creation points to Your magnificence.  You cause the gentlest of days, the warmth of the summer sun glistening off the lake and the slight breeze that dances with the flowers.  But you also call into being the mighty storms that destroy, so that life may begin anew.  You also made people.  so complex and so confusing we are, but You knew each of us from before time began.  You built us, every atom put in place with Your loving touch, every cell working in accordance with Your instructions   but you are also perfect, God, and so must judge our imperfections that we placed upon ourselves.  We live only by Your mercy, and only You are the great physician.  You are Father, You are Holy, You are Alpha and Omega.  You are God.

Who am I?  How can I dare to think that I can come before You, and kneel at Your throne, in Your presence?  How can this nobody from a nowhere town have the audacity to think that God has time, will make time, for me?  Why am I so important to God?  I'm just a nobody from a nowhere town.

Who am I?  I am but Your creation, made to be used for Your purpose.  I am made Your child through Your sacrifice for me.  I am made alive.  I am raised from the dust of the ground, to inherit eternal life with You in Heaven.  Who am I to receive such blessings?  I am Yours.

My City of Stars

A small little place is where I grew up, with a few close friends at my side.  And on summer nights we'd walk the town, and watch the stars spread wide.  So numerous and beautiful, my soul was filled with awe.  We friends sun praise to the Maker of it all.  But then I moved to the city, and my stars were hidden from my sight.  At first I lamented, seeing this only as a plight.  The sky no longer had its familiar shine, and it felt like I had left my heart at home.  But as time went on, and the nights did pass, my heart began to roam.  So then came the time that I moved to a new small place, and the stars shone brilliant once more.  And as I sat there under those stars, I noticed something I hadn't before.  The stars were more numerous than I could remember.  But the solace of those stars were as cold to me as a silent December.  I thought "Why?  How can this be?" And as I sat there thinking, the answer came to me.  I had no need to seek solace in the stars now.  In the city, my stars weren't in the sky, but around me--that's how.

Update time....

So my summer job this year has been working at Maranatha Bible Camp.  I work in the Hospitality Desk, answering phones, taking care of camper mail, and also doing camper bank from time to time.  It's been nice--I've met some new people, I get to listen to music all day, and it's also been a time to learn.  But camp has also been trying, and very lonely.  Because of my schedule, I don't really have the opportunity to make long-lasting friendships with the people I get to work with, and there's not really a lot of common interests between me and my co-workers.  So between the job and the lack of quality time spent with people, I'm left to a lot of writing and thinking time.  So the following few posts will be ones from my time so far at camp.

Fetal Position

     So you know that point in life where you just want to assume the fetal position and let the stormy part of life pass around you while you cower under the covers?  Yeah, that's life for me right now.  And as much as I want to run away, I can't.  Because life always has a way of coming around and biting me in the butt.  This is the biting part.  I've been doing the running.  I want to be like the kid who hides behind parents' legs, but I'm supposed to be an adult now, and mom and dad aren't here.  I must start slaying my own dragons.  And that's scary as heck.  You see, spiders and snakes and things like that, I've got no problem with.  Normal fears and phobias are just like 'whatever' for me.  My fears all have to do with my future, or certain confrontations.  These are the fears that haunt me at all hours, rob me of sleep, and have me wanting to assume the fetal position.  
     Okay, so it's time for the background story.  How I got to this point.  Well for starters, I'm an Elementary Education major, so one of the required bits for study is practicums - going to help out in classrooms, get a feel for what teaching is like.  At the beginning of the semester, I was all set to do my first practicum and all that, but then through circumstances, I haven't done anything with that.  I was supposed to.  Now not all of it is my fault.  My school communicates primary through email, and for a while, I was without my laptop.  So I had to get a new one, making me computer free for a while.  That doesn't really work well with emailing.  There are also big parts of this that are my fault though.  For starters, I'm not the best at checking my email on a daily basis.  But also, I was just getting scared of having to go out, into a new school, working with new people, and trying to keep up the image of my university while doing it.  I felt pretty pressured.  That's kind of a lot of weight, and it was making me nervous.  So I procrastinated and never did anything about my practicum.  Didn't start it, didn't even try to contact the teacher, nothing.  I was trying to run away.  It's worked for the most part.  I've really delayed having to do anything about it.  But now I must go talk with one of my professors about my practicum.  And I have a feeling it won't be pretty.  So I'm even more scared of that now.  And I want to run.  But I have no where to turn to, no where to hide.
      So that's one reason, and I think reason enough to want to assume the fetal position.  That's how much I'm not looking forward to it.  But there's also another reason.  Again, dealing with confrontation in the end.  Like I said earlier, I'm in Elementary Education, but lately I've been thinking of switching over and majoring in English.  Not English Ed, just straight English.  Now here's the snag: I've spent two years in El. Ed., and even took a few Ed. classes in high school.  And I still need to tell my parents that I want to switch majors. Will they be like "Okay.  We fully support you in this, and have absolutely no ties to the idea of you being a teacher."  No.  It will go more like this: "That's a stupid idea.  You've already invested this much time and money into this, finish it out.  Besides, a lot of the money that went into this was ours.  If you switch now, it'll be like you've been wasting money."  So talking to them.... yeah that'll be fun.  Now I've got good, solid reasons why I want to switch, and it's not just me running away from teaching.  But will that be enough?  
     Through this all, I also need to register for classes (once I get my major figured out) and fill out my housing contract (which is slightly dependent on my class schedule).  Did I mention that there's only a few weeks left of school, so finals are around the corner?  Yeah, these are fun times for me.  And I'm coming to the end of the track.  There's no where left for me to run.  I can't curl up in a fetal position.  But that's all I can seem to handle right now.  

Tolerance

     An issue I've been thinking of for a while is the topic of tolerance, like when it comes to stuff such as the gay rights movement.  It is so sad for me to see how the propaganda from that has made its way into how Christians think and act, especially among those in my age range.  It seems I see items of the propaganda daily, on Pintrest and Facebook.  Even friends who I met on a Christian camping trip re-post some of it.  I'm worried about what it is doing to God's message.
     Let's review the most amazing love story ever: God created a perfect world, in which everything was perfect.  He gave this perfect world to Adam and Eve, whom he created, and gave them one rule.  Don't eat from the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  When surrounded by a plethora of other perfect foods, it would seem that this rule should be a piece of cake, right?  And it was a rule put in place to protect Adam and Eve.  While that rule was obeyed, they lived in blissfulness, never knowing anything bad.  It was a perfect world.  But it was not to last.  Encouraged by an evil snake, who we know to be Satan, the devil, Eve broke the one rule God had.  She ate the fruit from the forbidden tree, and gave some to Adam as well.  Instantly, they knew what evil was, and knew that they would never be good enough to be in the presence of a perfect God again.  They tried to hide the wrong that they had done, tried to cover it up themselves, but it was no good.  Nothing they could do would ever return them to what life had been before.  The only thing that could rid them of their sin in God's eyes was a blood sacrifice.  God himself performed that first blood sacrifice, and covered their sin for them.  Once more, they could be in the presence of a perfect God.  
     This is the story of Salvation, and although the provision of Salvation has changed some since then (but not a lot), the story of God's love and sacrifice is still there.  And it is still true that God is perfect, and only perfection can be in His presence in Heaven.  There's not a lot of wiggle room on that.  It's pretty ... not tolerant.  Perfection is perfection, and anything less doesn't even begin to cover it.  
     So why are we being so tolerant?  Tolerance isn't what God's message says.  Tolerance isn't the way to His side.  We are doing no one any favors by being so tolerant of sin.  We might think that we don't want to damage the relationship with that person.  How damaged is it going to be when you both are on opposite sides of eternity?  We might think "I want that person to like me." Well guess what- IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! It's about the welfare of that person's soul.  We have to ask ourselves what are we living for? Kingdom or Comfort?  Tolerance is living for comfort.  Comfort fades away as fast as the blink of an eye.  Perfection through Christ is what will last for eternity.  So why tolerate anything less?

Lost in translation

     Tonight, Dad was working on his material for his Bible Study, and I was listening to him go through it.  He was putting together stuff for a discussion over Romans 13, where it talks about being submissive to governing authorities.  We got to talking about how that passage is so often misread today, and is taken to mean that Christians should not ever go against anyone who is in a governing position.  But that is not what the passage is saying, nor is that assumption true.  When Paul wrote it, the general idea among Christians was that since Christ was their King, they did not have to respond at all to Caesar.  But since we do still live in a fallen world, we need to obey the governing authorities, so long as those authorities stay in line with what Christ has said.  Romans 13 is not saying that anyone in a governing position is the highest authority.  Christ is, and it is His will that we must follow.  If someone in a governing position is not in line with Christ, then we as Christians should not follow it, and must rebel against it if that is the only course left.
     But during our discussion, I was reminded of what one of my professors had talked about one day in class.  He had talked about the differences in different Bible translations, and how some are closer hermaneutically than others.  Basically, he explained it like this:

So through all of this, my prayer for tonight is to always ask God to give me discernment when I'm looking for the meaning in His word.

The Jeweler's Wares

            “Our jeweler is the best.  No one in the world can match his skill,” crowed Ruby to her friends.  “I was talking the other day to my new friend Diamond.  She’s from some other shop, and she said that she got sent here so that real perfection could be achieved.  She says that our Andy’s work is so legendary, people say that he creates all of us out of nothing.  Any time he makes one of us, we’re absolutely perfect, just the way he wants us to be.”

            “I heard,” cut in Pearl, “that he doesn’t even have to find materials to make us either.  He just goes into his workshop, and comes out again, with a new perfect gem in his hands.”

            “I love how each of us is made unique.  No cut is the same, no shape the carbon copy of the next one.  I can’t imagine how Andy can do it. He’s made so many of us, and has never used the same design twice.  Wow,” Emerald sighed contentedly.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Ladomar grimaced as he walked past the gems’ shelf.  They were at it again.  Talking about their favorite subject.  Andy.  It was all they talked about as they awaited their purpose.  It was always ‘Andy this’ and ‘Andy that’.   Ladomar was sick of it.  Everywhere he went, it was Andy’s name that he heard.  No one ever mentioned his name; no one talked about who was always in Andy’s shadow.  Everyone forgot that Andy had an assistant.  Ladomar thought that even Andy himself forgot now and then.  He tried to tune out what the jewels were saying as he went about his work in the shop, cleaning up, straightening everything, making it all perfect.  But no matter how he tried to drown out the jewels’ voices, their words were always grating against his ears.  And the worst of it was that it was all true.  There was no one who could even come close to claiming the skill that Andy possessed.  Ladomar still had no idea how Andy was able to create so many unique, perfect pieces.  In all his years working for him, Ladomar still hadn’t learned the secret.  And that’s what cut the deepest.

            At first, he was content to remain in the shadows, was thrilled to be so close to the one who could do so many fantastic things.  He had been in utter awe of Andy.  But as time went on, he got used to the wonders, until they ceased to be wonderful to him.  He began hoping that Andy would start treating him like an apprentice, start teaching him how to make such wonderful jewels.  But with each passing day, Andy kept up his work, saying only a few words to Ladomar, and never invited him into his private workshop.  Ladomar had even tried bringing up the matter to Andy, and ask him to teach him.  But on every occasion, Andy had walked by preoccupied, not hearing him, or had not answered the question, and one time told him a solitary “No.”  Ladomar couldn’t believe it.  He had worked for Andy for so long, and had asked for nothing else, and Andy wouldn’t even teach him?  All Ladomar wanted was to be as great of a jeweler as Andy was.  Surely that wasn’t too much, right?  He deserved the chance to be Andy’s apprentice.  Assisting him just wasn’t enough.  So Ladomar began to feel resentment against Andy, began to hate the sound of his name, began to long for the day when his name would be praised just as highly- no, higher- than Andy’s name.

            So here he was again, running the jewel shop, hearing the gems go on and on about their maker, and still no closer to becoming a great jeweler himself than he had been on his first day.  He couldn’t take it anymore.  Ladomar waited until Andy left, and went into his private workshop.  He hoped, at the very least, that the room would hold all of the secrets of great jewel-making.  His whole being jittered with anticipation as he closed his fingers on the knob, turned the handle, and pushed open the door.  The room was black as he entered, and Ladomar fumbled around a bit before finding the light switch.  Finally, he could learn as much as Andy knew, and then he could leave, and start his own jewelry shop.  He could- …do nothing!  A single bulb lit up the room, revealing a wood floor and green walls.  Nothing was in that room.  Not even dust bunnies.  Ladomar couldn’t believe it.  He started looking around for a trap door.  There had to be something.  Surely Andy didn’t actually make the gems out of nothing.  There had to be a process that Ladomar could duplicate.  He had to be better than Andy.  He- … Ladomar turned back to the door at the sound of Andy’s return. 

            “What are you doing in here?” asked Andy.  His voice was calm, and his eyes told Ladomar that there would be no way out of this.  Andy already knew what Ladomar was going to say, already knew all the excuses that he could conjure up. 

            “I want to be as great as you.  Greater than you.  I can’t just be your assistant anymore.  I need to learn.”  Ladomar’s voice was defiant.

            Andy’s voice was kind as he replied, “Ladomar, you know I revere you highly.  I have put you in charge of running my shop, have given you the highest position.  But you cannot be like me.  You were brought in here to serve.  That is your place.  Please return to it.”

            “No!”  shouted Ladomar.  “I will not!  I deserve to be greater than you.  I’ve done so much for you!  I’ve heard your name be praised everywhere I go, and no one acknowledges my existence!  I’m tired of living in your shadow!  I deserve my own spotlight!”

            “Ladomar, please, calm yourself.  Return to your place.  Forget these desires for greatness.  Be great in what you have been called to do.”

            “No!”

            “Then I must ask you to leave.  I cannot allow you ruin this place with your attitude.” Andy was as calm as ever. 

            “Fine! I’ll leave!  But don’t ever expect me to come back!”  Ladomar stormed out of the little work room, and in his rage, threw around all of the beautiful gems Andy had made.  The gems cracked and broke into shards, and Ladomar threw most out onto the street.  He then went to go lick his wounds in the company of his friends.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Sapphire was shy when she arrived at Andy’s shop.  The other jewels who were there were very helpful though.  They did not try to push her, didn’t try to get her to share with them her experiences.  So for the first few days, she just listened.  She heard Ruby talk about her experiences.

            “I remember that day.  I remember Ladomar suddenly went crazy.  He went into Andy’s private workshop, which no one is ever supposed to do, and he started yelling at Andy, saying he should be greater than him.  When Andy told him- nicely, mind you- to please go back to running the shop, he lost it.  He stormed out, and the next thing I knew, he had picked me up and thrown me across the room.  I hit the wall, crashed onto the floor, and saw pieces of me shattered around me.  It was so horrible.  I was broken.  Cracked.  No longer perfect, like Andy had made me.  But Andy fixed me.  He saw past all of my brokenness, and put me back together.  I still have a few scars, but I am whole again, because of him.” 

Ruby’s story was one of the better ones.  Some jewels had spent some time outside of the shop, like Sapphire had, but had gotten to be returned to the store sooner than she.  Their stories were similar to hers, but also similar to Ruby’s.  Topaz told of how he had seen Ladomar one day on the streets, and how he and the friends he had with him would come up to broken jewels, like him, and would try to tell them all these bad things about Andy, or would try to twist the truth into a lie.  Some jewels were young enough to believe Ladomar, and would then let themselves get more cracked and broken before they realized what was going on.  Other gems were wise enough to know the wholeness that Andy could give them, and slowly tried to work their way back into his shop.  None of them had made it on their own, though.  Topaz told of a few people who were loyal to Andy who had helped return them.  Topaz himself was still in the process of being made new.  He still had a giant gash going through him, and a small chip here and there muddled his outline, but he wasn’t completely shattered like Sapphire was. 

Some jewels refused to admit that they had a story.  They never wanted to see their own brokenness, never admitted to being completely shattered.  Garnett was one of those jewels.  “I am just fine the way I am, this is who I’m supposed to be,” she would declare haughtily.  “If Andy didn’t want me to be like this, he wouldn’t have let it happen,” she’d say with a sneer.  Each day, the gems could see a new piece of her cracking or chipping off. 

Other jewels focused too much on their brokenness.  All that they could think of was how they were chipped, cracked, gouged, and how they could do nothing to fix it.  They lived for the days when Andy would spend time with them, putting the pieces back, smoothing out the cracks.  But then they would return from his workshop and see only the pieces that were missing, the cracks that were not yet filled. 

As she herself went through the process of being made new, Sapphire looked at those around her and watched.  It seemed to her like there were three categories of gems.  The first category saw only the beauty of what Andy had done.  They didn’t bother to look at the imperfections, and they acted like they weren’t even there.  It was as if their view of life was zoomed out so far that they couldn’t see any details.  The second category saw only the flaws, but never looked beyond them to see the beauty of Andy’s creation.  These gems looked at life through a lens zoomed in. 

Sapphire loved the days when it was her turn to spend some time with Andy in his workshop.  He would talk to her, tell her that he loved her, and tell her that he had a special purpose for her.  And slowly, he started putting her pieces back together.  As she was being mended, she thought she belonged to the third category of gems.  She saw that she still had flaws and marks on her, but she could also see the beauty of what Andy was doing for her.  It was like she viewed life at the right spot- not too far away, and not too close.  Sometimes she would struggle with leaning towards one view or another, but after spending time with Andy, she got better at seeing the picture from the right distance.  For that, she thanked Andy, and praised him for his greatness.  She also hoped that the other gems could learn to see their lives through that lens as well.  She hoped that the gems would stop listening to the twisted lies that Ladomar told them, and would instead listen to what Andy had to tell them.  Sapphire loved having that perspective, and tried to share it with her friends as often as she could.

Author’s Note

This story is a creative rendering of a true story found in the Bible, and of some of my own musings.  Because of this, there is a lot of parallelism between my story and the Bible’s account.  The part that is based on my own musings is how my mind creatively translated my thoughts of brokenness and how we are like Andy’s jewels.  Andy’s jewels can’t really do anything for themselves.  They’re incapable of fixing themselves, and must rely on Andy to do that.  There’s also a lot of meaning behind the names “Andy” and “Ladomar.”  Ladomar, of course, is based on Lucifer.  When I started thinking about writing this story, I wanted to pick a name that both started with an “L” and reflected on the character.  “Ladomar” is Hungarian, and means “trapper.”  Andy’s name isn’t quite as meaningful, but it is based on a reference.  There is a joke that goes: “Do you know God’s first name? It’s Andy.  ‘And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own.’  So since Andy is the God figure in this story, I thought it would be a fitting name for his character.