So I know camp's been the focus of my last few posts, but this one's not going to be any different. Maybe the next one will. I'd say that I'm not quite as downhearted about camp now. Nothing here has actually changed, but I have. In a way, I guess I could say that I've stopped trying to put down any roots here. And that's mostly true, but not quite an accurate description. I don't really know how to express it. With as much as the written word is my way of communicating, communicating my feelings is another challenge altogether. I'm working on that challenge, but I think I still have my work cut out for me on it. But anyway, I need to get back on topic before I ramble too much. Camp... right. I guess I feel more detached from it than I was before. I know what it is! I'm letting go of my expectations.
In my mind, camp was supposed to be this opportunity to escape life for a while, to spend time with kids, to make great new friends, to have a lot of fun, and maybe earn a decent tan for once. My reality? I sat in a box of a room, waiting for the phone to ring, looking at the world pass by around me while I sat at a computer and a desk, a window in front of me and a window beside me. I discovered how much of an extrovert I've truly become as I was restricted to my box of a room, sitting there for hours, and talking only on the phone for brief minutes with strangers. Whenever I was out of the box, I could find no one to hang out with--everyone was either working or asleep. It was so lonely, and there were nights that I fell asleep with tears rolling down my cheeks. I missed my world, my two homes. I missed my family, and I missed my corner of the city, with all my friends. I felt really alone for most of the summer. When I did have the opportunity to hang out with people, I felt like such an outsider. I felt like I was just flitting around the edges of already-established friend groups, or I felt like my time of life was so far away from some of the other summer staff members. Only a handful of the people here could I connect with, and with our different schedules, it was a rare occurrence when we had time to talk and hang out. So my reality was absolutely nothing like what I had imagined.
I always found it so ironic that the common theme of the poster we did was that I'm an encouragement. I was always so miserable. Sure, I always laughed and smiled at the right times, but underneath that, I felt how truly shallow those smiles and laughs were. The only times they were deeper was when I was with the handful of people I connected with. And those were just a stabbing pain that added to my misery because I knew that it would never get any deeper. There wasn't enough time.
So what has changed within me to go from misery to something else? I've let go of my expectations. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't still sadness, but it's sadness for the lack of time to really get to know the people I've connected with. I think my misery has also been lessened because I've started looking towards the next chapter of my life: Junior year at Grace. I've been getting things ready for my return, and so I'm excited to get back to Omaha. I'm not dwelling on camp as much anymore. I feel this chapter of my life closing, and I'm ready for it.
But I've also been reflecting on my time here. Like I asked in my last post, 'What is my purpose here?' I think part of what God had for me was a chance to learn who I really am. Camp stripped away all of my support systems--family and friends. They weren't here. So I had to learn how to go about life without leaning on them. I still talked to them every chance I got, thank goodness for texting, but it's not the same. Phone tag is no substitute for the real deal, the hugs, the sound of their voice, their laughter at all the jokes. It's been tough to see how much I rely on my friends and family. It's also been tough to wrestle with my demons, and to finally give them over to God. Part of why I rely so much on friends and family is because I can submerge myself in their worlds, and distract myself from feelings or thoughts that I don't want to deal with. And my situation at camp forced me to deal with the things I had been running from.
So camp... I came in, expecting to have an experience focused on others. But the experience that God had for me was much more internal, so much more focused. I needed to experience me in a way that I hadn't before. Finally seeing that has made such a difference. I'm content now. I know now what my purpose here was. If I ever come back, maybe my experience will be more others-focused. But this time, God taught me a lot about myself.
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