I'll start with camp again, and move on from there. As much as camp was a lonely place this summer, especially for the first part, it had its lessons to teach me. Mostly camp gave me a place where God could get my attention better. The biggest lesson that He taught me was to let go.
I had been struggling with the bad semester that I had. Even though the season had changed, the memory and pain of the prior season still stabbed me. I couldn't figure out why. I wanted to move past it, to let it be a spring board for my current season, but it was more of an anchor. No matter how far I tried getting away from that anchor, there was always the painful yank as I came to the end of its heavy chain. I struggled against that chain, asking God "why? why must I still be dragged down by this?" An image came to me--like a short, silent (but colored) movie. There was me, holding on to this issue like a sword, holding tight to it to keep it from Satan's hands. But there was Satan, toying with me, yanking it this way and that inside my grip, hitting me with it. Like a bully using your own arm to smack you, saying "why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?" The scene changed then, with a new character coming onto the set. I stood behind God while He held my issue-sword. He held it strong and true, and Satan could come no where near it, much less use it against me.
After that, I got the picture. I had been so busy trying to hold onto that issue myself that I hadn't been asking God the right thing. I had been asking Him "Help me keep this from Satan's hands. Help me keep him from using it against me." I should have been asking Him "Take this from me. I do not have the strength nor the skill to carry this on my own." Once I had that figured out, last semester quit weighing on me like an anchor. I still struggle with it occasionally, when the topic is brought up, but the pain isn't there like it once was. God is so good.
That brings us now to another lesson that I'm working on, and one that I think I'll struggle with for quite some time yet. I started to work on it last semester, but it's still a major issue in my life. That's the issue of my pride--more specifically, my independence. I'm a very independent person, as I can see looking on my own life and as God keeps reminding me. Even with the lesson of letting go, my independence problem showed itself. I had been asking God to help ME with hanging on to my issue. I need to stop doing that. When am I going to learn that I'm not strong enough?
I've always had this independence problem, this self-reliance. I'm never quick to open up about what I'm feeling, and when I do there's usually tears involved and unintelligible words, and I try and do as much as I can myself. I'm not good at asking for help. Asking for help feels like giving in, being defeated. I'm not really sure what is defeating me though. I want to say I'm just being hyper-responsible. I want to take responsibility for my actions, my circumstance, my everything. And while responsibility is a good thing, I think I'm taking it too far, trying to be responsible for things that are bigger than me and that I have no control over. That's the part that's getting me in trouble.
But I'm working on it. I'm getting better at sharing, talking to people about what's going on in my life. I'm learning to recognize sooner the things that I can't control, and the things that I need to ask for help with. It amazes me how easy it is to slip back into that independent mindset though. I mean, how can I think that I can face off against all of life's challenges and come out victorious? I am human, and that is impossible. Anyway, it's an ongoing arduous journey, but I'm taking it on faith that God will shape me in His own design. He has already done so much.
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