Here we go with camp again...

     So I know camp's been the focus of my last few posts, but this one's not going to be any different.  Maybe the next one will.  I'd say that I'm not quite as downhearted about camp now.  Nothing here has actually changed, but I have.  In a way, I guess I could say that I've stopped trying to put down any roots here.  And that's mostly true, but not quite an accurate description.  I don't really know how to express it.  With as much as the written word is my way of communicating, communicating my feelings is another challenge altogether.  I'm working on that challenge, but I think I still have my work cut out for me on it.  But anyway, I need to get back on topic before I ramble too much.  Camp... right.  I guess I feel more detached from it than I was before.  I know what it is! I'm letting go of my expectations.
     In my mind, camp was supposed to be this opportunity to escape life for a while, to spend time with kids, to make great new friends, to have a lot of fun, and maybe earn a decent tan for once.  My reality?  I sat in a box of a room, waiting for the phone to ring, looking at the world pass by around me while I sat at a computer and a desk, a window in front of me and a window beside me.  I discovered how much of an extrovert I've truly become as I was restricted to my box of a room, sitting there for hours, and talking only on the phone for brief minutes with strangers.  Whenever I was out of the box, I could find no one to hang out with--everyone was either working or asleep.  It was so lonely, and there were nights that I fell asleep with tears rolling down my cheeks.  I missed my world, my two homes.  I missed my family, and I missed my corner of the city, with all my friends.  I felt really alone for most of the summer.  When I did have the opportunity to hang out with people, I felt like such an outsider.  I felt like I was just flitting around the edges of already-established friend groups, or I felt like my time of life was so far away from some of the other summer staff members.  Only a handful of the people here could I connect with, and with our different schedules, it was a rare occurrence when we had time to talk and hang out.  So my reality was absolutely nothing like what I had imagined.
      I always found it so ironic that the common theme of the poster we did was that I'm an encouragement.  I was always so miserable.  Sure, I always laughed and smiled at the right times, but underneath that, I felt how truly shallow those smiles and laughs were.  The only times they were deeper was when I was with the handful of people I connected with.  And those were just a stabbing pain that added to my misery because I knew that it would never get any deeper.  There wasn't enough time.
     So what has changed within me to go from misery to something else?  I've let go of my expectations.  I'd be lying if I said there wasn't still sadness, but it's sadness for the lack of time to really get to know the people I've connected with.  I think my misery has also been lessened because I've started looking towards the next chapter of my life: Junior year at Grace.  I've been getting things ready for my return, and so I'm excited to get back to Omaha.  I'm not dwelling on camp as much anymore.  I feel this chapter of my life closing, and I'm ready for it.
     But I've also been reflecting on my time here.  Like I asked in my last post, 'What is my purpose here?'  I think part of what God had for me was a chance to learn who I really am.  Camp stripped away all of my support systems--family and friends.  They weren't here.  So I had to learn how to go about life without leaning on them.  I still talked to them every chance I got, thank goodness for texting, but it's not the same.  Phone tag is no substitute for the real deal, the hugs, the sound of their voice, their laughter at all the jokes.  It's been tough to see how much I rely on my friends and family.  It's also been tough to wrestle with my demons, and to finally give them over to God.  Part of why I rely so much on friends and family is because I can submerge myself in their worlds, and distract myself from feelings or thoughts that I don't want to deal with.  And my situation at camp forced me to deal with the things I had been running from.
     So camp... I came in, expecting to have an experience focused on others.  But the experience that God had for me was much more internal, so much more focused.  I needed to experience me in a way that I hadn't before.  Finally seeing that has made such a difference.  I'm content now.  I know now what my purpose here was.  If I ever come back, maybe my experience will be more others-focused.  But this time, God taught me a lot about myself. 

Purpose

     Lord, I want to thank you for this summer.  It has been fun, and it has also been trying.  The trying part comes from me not really knowing what my purpose is here.  I've been struggling with that a lot.  It can't be to impact the kids that come through here, because the most I can do is wave at them from behind my glass.  And I don't see this time as one that will produce long-lasting friendships.  Half of the staff feel so far away from me, just because of personality differences.  And with the ones I have gotten to know, I don't have the opportunity to get to know them better.  So what is my purpose?  The answer that I've seen so far is that I am to encourage people.  You keep reminding me about the poster that everyone signed at the beginning, and how its common theme is encouragement.  So is that all of my purpose here?  Am I missing something? 
    I also wonder about what you have for me here this summer.  How are you going to grow me?  So far, I feel like you're showing me the power of prayer.  I also think its a summer of letting go.  Letting go of past mistakes, letting go of boy drama, and letting go of my control.  Because I want you in control, Lord.  Not me.  I'm just afraid of letting go because I don't know if I can hear your voice well enough yet.  So if I let go, will I just sort of be floating aimlessly?  I know you're there, ready to catch me, but it's like that space between a dangling foot and the step.  not very far at all, but it's truly terrifying.  So help me to have the courage to let go, and fall into your arms.  Help me to hear your voice, and to follow your leading.  Help me to be who you want me to be.
     Amen.

Addictions

     There are plenty of things to get addicted to in this life: substances, habits, places, people.  One can get addicted to pretty much anything.  And with every addiction comes the withdrawals.  Different effects come with each type of withdrawal, and symptoms can differ with the person.
     My symptoms are both emotional and physical.  There is nothing but time that I can take to ease my sufferings.  If I wanted to drug myself I could--there are plenty enough pills for that.  But those are a weakness, and they only mask the pain anyway.
     So wrestle I shall with these withdrawals.  the tears that slip and burn with every closed eyelid.  The sobs that silently wrack my body, so that no one knows how shattered I am.  The longing and the pain that are so strong that I can't swallow, can't live with the sick feeling in my stomach, the hollow pit in my heart.
     I miss home--both of them.  I miss my family, my own bed, my pets, my stars.  And I miss the family I've made at school.  I miss laughing and joking with people who know the references.  I miss being totally nerdy.  I miss being completely me.
     I'm so alone here.  No one knows the references that are common to my tongue.  No one here shares my brand of nerdiness.  And there's no way to share that large part of who I am.  I talk a lot less here.  Not that I don't have words to say, but that I have no one to understand them.
     I think back to a time when I would have been fine with that.  A time when I could only be called an introvert.  But now I've changed, and the extrovert in me holds dominance.  I feel like I'm living a shadow life, one that grows brighter only with the times that I can talk to people from my real life. 
     And the longer I stay in this shadow life, the stronger the withdrawals get.  I could let myself get addicted to the people in this shadow life, but an addiction like that takes time to foster.  And this life is, after all, only a shadow.  It will fade away soon enough.
     In the end, I'm stuck with these withdrawals and the time it will take to heal them.  May the shadow life fade quickly.

Who are You? Who am I?

Who am I?  I am but a college student, a nobody from a nowhere town.  I've done nothing in particular, haven't traveled far from home.  i was never one of the popular kids and I don't intend to start now.  I'm just me, a nobody from a nowhere town.

Who are you?  You are God almighty, who fills all of eternity.  You created the whole of the universe, every star and every planet in perfect harmony, singing together the glory of your name.  you created all of life, and the balance and wonder that is within each system--from the beauty and depths of the sea, to the jungles and forests on land.  You made it all, and the whole of creation points to Your magnificence.  You cause the gentlest of days, the warmth of the summer sun glistening off the lake and the slight breeze that dances with the flowers.  But you also call into being the mighty storms that destroy, so that life may begin anew.  You also made people.  so complex and so confusing we are, but You knew each of us from before time began.  You built us, every atom put in place with Your loving touch, every cell working in accordance with Your instructions   but you are also perfect, God, and so must judge our imperfections that we placed upon ourselves.  We live only by Your mercy, and only You are the great physician.  You are Father, You are Holy, You are Alpha and Omega.  You are God.

Who am I?  How can I dare to think that I can come before You, and kneel at Your throne, in Your presence?  How can this nobody from a nowhere town have the audacity to think that God has time, will make time, for me?  Why am I so important to God?  I'm just a nobody from a nowhere town.

Who am I?  I am but Your creation, made to be used for Your purpose.  I am made Your child through Your sacrifice for me.  I am made alive.  I am raised from the dust of the ground, to inherit eternal life with You in Heaven.  Who am I to receive such blessings?  I am Yours.

My City of Stars

A small little place is where I grew up, with a few close friends at my side.  And on summer nights we'd walk the town, and watch the stars spread wide.  So numerous and beautiful, my soul was filled with awe.  We friends sun praise to the Maker of it all.  But then I moved to the city, and my stars were hidden from my sight.  At first I lamented, seeing this only as a plight.  The sky no longer had its familiar shine, and it felt like I had left my heart at home.  But as time went on, and the nights did pass, my heart began to roam.  So then came the time that I moved to a new small place, and the stars shone brilliant once more.  And as I sat there under those stars, I noticed something I hadn't before.  The stars were more numerous than I could remember.  But the solace of those stars were as cold to me as a silent December.  I thought "Why?  How can this be?" And as I sat there thinking, the answer came to me.  I had no need to seek solace in the stars now.  In the city, my stars weren't in the sky, but around me--that's how.

Update time....

So my summer job this year has been working at Maranatha Bible Camp.  I work in the Hospitality Desk, answering phones, taking care of camper mail, and also doing camper bank from time to time.  It's been nice--I've met some new people, I get to listen to music all day, and it's also been a time to learn.  But camp has also been trying, and very lonely.  Because of my schedule, I don't really have the opportunity to make long-lasting friendships with the people I get to work with, and there's not really a lot of common interests between me and my co-workers.  So between the job and the lack of quality time spent with people, I'm left to a lot of writing and thinking time.  So the following few posts will be ones from my time so far at camp.