Double-Take

     I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook, and I came across a personality type quiz that my cousin had done.  His answer surprised me greatly, so I decided to take it to see if my results would be as far off the mark as his were.  Lo and behold, my results were pretty spot on.  It read as follows: "I value logic, knowledge, and dreams.  My mind is my weapon, and I love learning new things and being in control.  At best, I'm brilliant and progressive.  At worst, I'm cold and manipulative."  
     Like I said, fairly spot on.  I am very logical, and I love being in the know of things.  I'm not afraid to dream, and I like to support others in theirs.  I do try and outsmart a situation whenever I can.  Loopholes are my friends.  I find them quickly, and use them to my advantage whenever possible.  I also do like feeling in control of my surroundings.  I'm not sure on the 'at best' part, but I could definitely see myself coming off as cold and manipulative if something were to push me to that point.  So how could the same quiz be so right about me, and so wrong about him?
     His results were this:  "I value honor, order, and peace.  I am optimistic and selfless, and I love to protect the people I care about.  My actions are driven by justice and goodwill.  At my best, I am charismatic and brave.  At my worst, I am authoritarian and prudish."  Now anyone who knows my cousin knows that this assessment is basically his polar opposite.  He's perpetually pessimistic, and honestly, rather selfish in a lot of his life.  He deeply loves the people he cares about, but hasn't quite mastered the balance between healthy, strong love and crushing over-protectiveness.  His actions are also driven, not by justice, but by what he feels like doing at the moment.  He's not really charismatic, and I'd want to nuance the term bravery before trying to apply it to him.  He's not cowardly, by any means, but there are some aspects of bravery that he lacks.  I'd never use the terms 'authoritarian' or 'prudish' when describing him, either.  
     So I had to do a double-take.  Surely, they can't be talking about MY cousin.  There's no way.  But then a thought occurred to me:  The answer is what could fit him, if only he'd let himself become the person that the quiz described.  He has the potential to be a really great, Godly man, if only he would let God work on him.  But currently, he's far too stubborn, and frankly, stupid.  And it hurts.  My heart physically aches for him.  I long for the day when God will grab him by the heart and never let him go back to his current state.  He's missing out on so much joy, and he knows that none of his strategies (like drinking) are going to solve his miseries.  He knows that God is the one who does that.  But he won't reach out and take it.  He won't surrender.  
      Not only did that one quiz result cause me to do a double-take, but it also brought up a renewed longing for my cousin.  I will never give up in my prayers for him, and I have faith that God can chisel him into the masterpiece that God intended him to be.  Not only that, but I live in the hope that one day, God WILL make him the man I know he could be.  One day, I will no longer have the heartache that comes with my cousin.  One day, he will be all that God has made him to be.  One day, I'll look at him and do a double-take.  And one day, nothing will stop my heart from being joyful.  

1 Thessalonians 1-2:16

     As I was reading through this passage, one attribute of both Paul and the believers there in Thessalonica was their boldness.  Chapter 1:6-7 calls them imitators of Christ, joyful in the Lord despite adversity, and examples to other believers.  What higher praise can there be?  They did not let circumstances rule them but were instead content in the Lord.  "It is well with my soul."  And then they acted on that contentment.  They showed it in their actions, and people took notice.  Not only were they an example in their day, but their example transcends time.  Verse 8 says that their faith had gone forth everywhere.  Think about how big 'everywhere' is.  Yeah--pretty mind-blowing.  
     The last part of chapter 2:2 also focuses on boldness.  Paul, Timothy and Silvanus had gone to Thessalonica to proclaim the gospel in an apparently bad time.  How often do we shy away from sharing the gospel in good times?  But Paul and his fellows had boldness given to them by God, which was used in a powerful way.  Verse 8 also shares a little more about how it was so powerful.  They didn't come, give their lecture, and move on.  That would have taken lots of courage in and of itself.  But they were also very transparent about their lives.  I can imagine they let actions speak louder than words, but I also get the sense that they shared their testimonies.  To be completely open about all of your life to close friends is hard enough.  They, strengthened by God, had the courage to be open books to the strangers around them.  Boldness.
     Now I bet that's not something that God just gave them naturally.  At least it doesn't ever seem to happen like that in my life.  I'd bet there was some serious prayer involved in that.  In these verses, Paul is always reminding his readers that God was the driving force behind all the boldness displayed by him and the believers in Thessalonica.  That tells me that he wasn't relying on himself or that it came easily.  If that boldness had come easy, I don't think he would have remembered to mention its ultimate source at all.  I know I wouldn't have.
     So the lesson, then, is to seek boldness in the Lord.  Be earnest in prayer for it.  God will use it in mighty ways--ways unfathomable to us.  Did Paul know how influential his ministry would be throughout the centuries?  I don't think so.  We never know how God is going to use us either.  But like any of his workings, He goes far beyond anything we could ever imagine.  Are we ready?

Giving Thanks

     I went to a women's retreat this weekend, and one of the things we were challenged to do was to create a list of things we are thankful for, and try to make it as big as possible.  The second part of that challenge was to keep the list, and reflect on it daily as a way to stay content in the Lord.  And so as a permanent way of saving this list (so that I can never lose it), here's mine:

Each day I'm thankful for...

• The breath of life.  I woke up.  I am alive.
• The cross.  I can be alive spiritually and be found clean.
• My faith.  I've seen life without God.  I don't want it.
• My relationship with Christ.  Fire insurance isn't satisfying.
• My family.  They love me, teach me, and provide for me.
• My friends.  They support me, encourage me, and grow me.
• My school.  I'm free to grow in God.
• My time of life.  There's so much I can do.
• My place of life.  America is still good--I'm free here.
• My past.  It's shaped who I am today.
• Music.  Where words end, and feelings take flight and soar.
• Art.  Much like music, art is expression.
• Creativity.  Seeing the world in color, not just black and white.
• Storytelling.  Sharing and being relational through words.
• My health/body.  It's so complex, but I'm still running.
• Material possessions.  I like being warm.  And food is good.
• Personality.  I like who I am as a whole.
• My flaws.  I will always have something to work on.
• Pants.  I like pants.  Pants are great.
• Summer.  I like warmth.  And less homework.
• Spring.  Life is returning anew to the earth.
• Stars.  Oh how beautiful they are.
• Night time.  I love the peace and quiet.
• TV shows.  Yes, I get gored sometimes and need an escape.
• Books.  Much like storytelling, and it doubles as an escape.
• Animals/Pets.  They are surprisingly comforting.
• Pillows/Blankets/Mattresses.  Also super comfortable.
• Communication.  Being able to talk to people.
• So much more.  This list could never stop.
• Everything I'm forgetting.  That's probably equally long.

Reflections

     This weekend, I got to be home, celebrating my mom's birthday with her.  And it has been super good to take time to spend with my family.  I miss them all so much while I'm away.  Today, my mom and my youngest brother and I went around at the lake in my hometown, taking pictures, and enjoying the beauty that God had given us in this fall day.  While we were there, the lake was nice and calm, creating the perfect mirror of the autumn beauty around it.  It looked otherworldly.  It was like the lake was not a lake at all, but a continuation of the world above it, but with a different depth.  It was so cool, and we took several pictures of that awesome reflection.
     Those reflections reminded me of some other reflections that I had been thinking on the other day.  We had been given time to reflect on our semester so far in chapel, and here's what I wrote down:
     Oh Lord, to reflect on the semester, I see both joys and pain.  Joy at finally not having any boy drama of my own, joy at having so many good friends that I can lean on and help support.  Father, you've been so good to me.  Thank you for using this time to grow me, to mold me more into the woman you want me to become.  Help continue to grow me through the pains of this semester.  Father I know you will, because of all that you've brought me through in the past.  You bless me each and every day, and I'm truly thankful.  I may not always act like it, but Father, you know my heart, and you know the overflowing joy that resides there.  And as I go through this hard time of losing a friend, I pray that you will often remind me of all the joy I have.  Father, I don't know how this time in my life is going to play out.  Will my friendship be reconciled?  Am I going to be able to pull through on all my studies?  Will I be able to graduate on a decent time frame?  Will I find somewhere and something that I love to do after college?  I don't know.  Only you know, and I will follow you.  I only worry about how hard my hearing is though.  Am I and will I hear your calling correctly?  Father, I do not know what you are preparing me for.  It scares me.  As much as I know that you hold me in the palm of your hand, I still worry.  I don't question your ability, but I question my own.  I question where I am to meet you.  Help me Lord to find my way.

Victories in Jesus

     "Oh Victory in Jesus, my Savior forever..."  It has been a very long time since I have sung that wonderful old hymn.  I can't even remember how long it has been.  But it is a song I like to sing every now and then as a reminder of His goodness.
     Here at school, we take time away from classes to participate in Day of Prayer and Bible conference.  They are wonderful days when we can simply dig into God's word, meditate on it, and worship Him.  I love these days.  Seeing everyone come together to worship and rest in His word, it's like glimpsing what Heaven will be like, and it makes me so excited to live like that for all eternity.  But over my few years here, I've noticed a trend among the sessions.  The trend is the topics of pain and struggling, and admitting that we're going through it.
     Now struggling is an important issue, I'll be the first to say so.  We need to remember our humanity, our brokenness and our failings.  We also need to remember that we are not alone in our suffering.  But in all that remembering, I think we lose sight of another important topic.
     There's so many people who refuse to live in the past.  They say they don't want their past to define them, or that the past is the past and cannot change, so why bother dwelling on it?  And whenever something bad happened, I'm one of those people.  But in living so much in a present- and future-minded way, we have gotten to an instant-gratification mindset and we forget the lessons the past had to teach us.  
     In such a way, I think we often forget to dwell on the victories that God has brought us through.  We get caught up in thinking about all that still needs to be done.  We forget the blessings and the victories of the past.  We forget about that very thing that gives us our hope for the things God will do.
     How often do we rejoice and worship in those victories?  How often are we just wowed and awed by what God has done?  How often are our thanksgivings off-the-cuff- niceties?  "Thank you Lord for getting me through this week."  "Thank you for the wonderful weather we had."  "Thanks for helping me pass this test."  "Thanks for letting the interview go well."  Thanks for this small detail of my life that I will forget about in ten seconds.
     Most often, our praise of God focuses on His death on the cross and what that meant for us.  And while that is huge, fundamental, and very important, it's also limiting.  Our view of God is too small if we think that His sacrifice and what He will do is all He's good for.  We have such a tremendous opportunity to be astounded by what God has done, and to be blown away by why we place our hope in Him.  "God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, He's so good to me."  He continually shows us that, and we so often forget.

The Pain Family

I was reflecting on Job the other day, and all the pain he went through during the time when Satan was trying to get him to curse God.  That then got me thinking about the different types of pain there are.  Then that became this:

The Pain Family

There's a family that came to visit
Nay, they came to stay.
Their presence follows me around sometimes
Their touch invading the every day.
There's Father Pain, a big strong man, who carries a crushing weight.
There's Mother Pain, a quiet woman, who permeates everything with melancholy.
Then Child Pain, so young yet, who comes on hot and fast, energy spiking and fading quickly.
They come 'round one by one, sometimes in pairs, sometimes by their three.
Their presence is unwelcomed, but how can they be asked to leave?
How can these hospitable responsibilities be relieved?
They need another invitation, but not from this poor soul.  
But that offer's already extended, I just need to let them go.

Growing Pains

     I'm an adult now.  I don't always act like it, or feel like it, but the truth of is still there.  I'm also feeling it more than I used to.  I don't bounce back as easily after very little sleep, working out can leave me sore, and the worries of life can lay pretty heavily on me.  I'm also seeing a shift in my attitude.  I feel entitled to my own opinions now, and I feel the freedom to be more open about them and to be blunt.  I see and I feel how different I am from the freshman class, and I see how much I have changed since I was their age and younger.  I don't feel as carefree as I did then, either.  
     My height doesn't extend beyond 5'2", and I was 16 when the x-rays proved that it never would.  Physically, I'm done with growing pains.  But they still happen in other areas of my life.  Spiritually, I still go through growing pains and I always will.  I love seeing the result of those growing pains, but like the name implies, the experience isn't all rainbows and butterflies.  
     Today I got to go on a wonderful coffee date with my beautiful roommate.  It was such a good time, because we talked through a lot of hard things, and also through some silly things.  The hard things we talked about were growing pains, both ones that we had gone through and ones that others around us have gone through or are going through.  But the discussion left me thinking, and I realized that I'm going through a growing pain right now, even after just finishing with one.  This pain pertains to balance.
     As an upper-classman, more is expected of me: more reading, more papers, more answers, and more or deeper relationships.  I can't do it.  I want to, but I just can't.  I don't have the time nor the strength.  I love being a relational person, I love being with people and being the best friend to them I can possibly be.  But too much of that makes my schoolwork suffer, and that's never good.  At the same time, too much schoolwork makes my relationships suffer, and my spiritual rejuvenation as well.  Being around people that I care about re-energizes me, and I feel stifled otherwise.  So the hard part is finding a balance between school and friends that lets me do well in all areas.  
     This is bigger than me though, and God, I need you.  There is no way I am getting through this semester on my own.  I pray, Father, that you would give me the ability to make the most of my friendships, and I pray that you would help me to keep up with my studies.  This struggle is really weighing me down, and I am in need of you and your strength.  Father, to you I commit this struggle.  Fill me with your peace, knowing that you have my life held in your hand, and that there is no where I can fall that you will not be there to catch me.  Amen.

P. S. -- This is my theme song for this semester: