I was reflecting on Job the other day, and all the pain he went through during the time when Satan was trying to get him to curse God. That then got me thinking about the different types of pain there are. Then that became this:
The Pain Family
There's a family that came to visit
Nay, they came to stay.
Their presence follows me around sometimes
Their touch invading the every day.
There's Father Pain, a big strong man, who carries a crushing weight.
There's Mother Pain, a quiet woman, who permeates everything with melancholy.
Then Child Pain, so young yet, who comes on hot and fast, energy spiking and fading quickly.
They come 'round one by one, sometimes in pairs, sometimes by their three.
Their presence is unwelcomed, but how can they be asked to leave?
How can these hospitable responsibilities be relieved?
They need another invitation, but not from this poor soul.
But that offer's already extended, I just need to let them go.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Growing Pains
I'm an adult now. I don't always act like it, or feel like it, but the truth of is still there. I'm also feeling it more than I used to. I don't bounce back as easily after very little sleep, working out can leave me sore, and the worries of life can lay pretty heavily on me. I'm also seeing a shift in my attitude. I feel entitled to my own opinions now, and I feel the freedom to be more open about them and to be blunt. I see and I feel how different I am from the freshman class, and I see how much I have changed since I was their age and younger. I don't feel as carefree as I did then, either.
My height doesn't extend beyond 5'2", and I was 16 when the x-rays proved that it never would. Physically, I'm done with growing pains. But they still happen in other areas of my life. Spiritually, I still go through growing pains and I always will. I love seeing the result of those growing pains, but like the name implies, the experience isn't all rainbows and butterflies.
Today I got to go on a wonderful coffee date with my beautiful roommate. It was such a good time, because we talked through a lot of hard things, and also through some silly things. The hard things we talked about were growing pains, both ones that we had gone through and ones that others around us have gone through or are going through. But the discussion left me thinking, and I realized that I'm going through a growing pain right now, even after just finishing with one. This pain pertains to balance.
As an upper-classman, more is expected of me: more reading, more papers, more answers, and more or deeper relationships. I can't do it. I want to, but I just can't. I don't have the time nor the strength. I love being a relational person, I love being with people and being the best friend to them I can possibly be. But too much of that makes my schoolwork suffer, and that's never good. At the same time, too much schoolwork makes my relationships suffer, and my spiritual rejuvenation as well. Being around people that I care about re-energizes me, and I feel stifled otherwise. So the hard part is finding a balance between school and friends that lets me do well in all areas.
This is bigger than me though, and God, I need you. There is no way I am getting through this semester on my own. I pray, Father, that you would give me the ability to make the most of my friendships, and I pray that you would help me to keep up with my studies. This struggle is really weighing me down, and I am in need of you and your strength. Father, to you I commit this struggle. Fill me with your peace, knowing that you have my life held in your hand, and that there is no where I can fall that you will not be there to catch me. Amen.
My height doesn't extend beyond 5'2", and I was 16 when the x-rays proved that it never would. Physically, I'm done with growing pains. But they still happen in other areas of my life. Spiritually, I still go through growing pains and I always will. I love seeing the result of those growing pains, but like the name implies, the experience isn't all rainbows and butterflies.
Today I got to go on a wonderful coffee date with my beautiful roommate. It was such a good time, because we talked through a lot of hard things, and also through some silly things. The hard things we talked about were growing pains, both ones that we had gone through and ones that others around us have gone through or are going through. But the discussion left me thinking, and I realized that I'm going through a growing pain right now, even after just finishing with one. This pain pertains to balance.
As an upper-classman, more is expected of me: more reading, more papers, more answers, and more or deeper relationships. I can't do it. I want to, but I just can't. I don't have the time nor the strength. I love being a relational person, I love being with people and being the best friend to them I can possibly be. But too much of that makes my schoolwork suffer, and that's never good. At the same time, too much schoolwork makes my relationships suffer, and my spiritual rejuvenation as well. Being around people that I care about re-energizes me, and I feel stifled otherwise. So the hard part is finding a balance between school and friends that lets me do well in all areas.
This is bigger than me though, and God, I need you. There is no way I am getting through this semester on my own. I pray, Father, that you would give me the ability to make the most of my friendships, and I pray that you would help me to keep up with my studies. This struggle is really weighing me down, and I am in need of you and your strength. Father, to you I commit this struggle. Fill me with your peace, knowing that you have my life held in your hand, and that there is no where I can fall that you will not be there to catch me. Amen.
P. S. -- This is my theme song for this semester:
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
The Time Band-aid
I'm beginning to think that I may never get good at posting regularly on this blog. There's just something about wanting to write the right words, and leave the rest alone. But it's also good--it allows for the passage of time and the healing effects that Time can give. There's also something about wanting to post the lesson, rather than all the mess it took to learn it. So where does that leave us? It leaves us space to reminisce and ruminate.
I'll start with camp again, and move on from there. As much as camp was a lonely place this summer, especially for the first part, it had its lessons to teach me. Mostly camp gave me a place where God could get my attention better. The biggest lesson that He taught me was to let go.
I had been struggling with the bad semester that I had. Even though the season had changed, the memory and pain of the prior season still stabbed me. I couldn't figure out why. I wanted to move past it, to let it be a spring board for my current season, but it was more of an anchor. No matter how far I tried getting away from that anchor, there was always the painful yank as I came to the end of its heavy chain. I struggled against that chain, asking God "why? why must I still be dragged down by this?" An image came to me--like a short, silent (but colored) movie. There was me, holding on to this issue like a sword, holding tight to it to keep it from Satan's hands. But there was Satan, toying with me, yanking it this way and that inside my grip, hitting me with it. Like a bully using your own arm to smack you, saying "why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?" The scene changed then, with a new character coming onto the set. I stood behind God while He held my issue-sword. He held it strong and true, and Satan could come no where near it, much less use it against me.
After that, I got the picture. I had been so busy trying to hold onto that issue myself that I hadn't been asking God the right thing. I had been asking Him "Help me keep this from Satan's hands. Help me keep him from using it against me." I should have been asking Him "Take this from me. I do not have the strength nor the skill to carry this on my own." Once I had that figured out, last semester quit weighing on me like an anchor. I still struggle with it occasionally, when the topic is brought up, but the pain isn't there like it once was. God is so good.
That brings us now to another lesson that I'm working on, and one that I think I'll struggle with for quite some time yet. I started to work on it last semester, but it's still a major issue in my life. That's the issue of my pride--more specifically, my independence. I'm a very independent person, as I can see looking on my own life and as God keeps reminding me. Even with the lesson of letting go, my independence problem showed itself. I had been asking God to help ME with hanging on to my issue. I need to stop doing that. When am I going to learn that I'm not strong enough?
I've always had this independence problem, this self-reliance. I'm never quick to open up about what I'm feeling, and when I do there's usually tears involved and unintelligible words, and I try and do as much as I can myself. I'm not good at asking for help. Asking for help feels like giving in, being defeated. I'm not really sure what is defeating me though. I want to say I'm just being hyper-responsible. I want to take responsibility for my actions, my circumstance, my everything. And while responsibility is a good thing, I think I'm taking it too far, trying to be responsible for things that are bigger than me and that I have no control over. That's the part that's getting me in trouble.
But I'm working on it. I'm getting better at sharing, talking to people about what's going on in my life. I'm learning to recognize sooner the things that I can't control, and the things that I need to ask for help with. It amazes me how easy it is to slip back into that independent mindset though. I mean, how can I think that I can face off against all of life's challenges and come out victorious? I am human, and that is impossible. Anyway, it's an ongoing arduous journey, but I'm taking it on faith that God will shape me in His own design. He has already done so much.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Here we go with camp again...
So I know camp's been the focus of my last few posts, but this one's not going to be any different. Maybe the next one will. I'd say that I'm not quite as downhearted about camp now. Nothing here has actually changed, but I have. In a way, I guess I could say that I've stopped trying to put down any roots here. And that's mostly true, but not quite an accurate description. I don't really know how to express it. With as much as the written word is my way of communicating, communicating my feelings is another challenge altogether. I'm working on that challenge, but I think I still have my work cut out for me on it. But anyway, I need to get back on topic before I ramble too much. Camp... right. I guess I feel more detached from it than I was before. I know what it is! I'm letting go of my expectations.
In my mind, camp was supposed to be this opportunity to escape life for a while, to spend time with kids, to make great new friends, to have a lot of fun, and maybe earn a decent tan for once. My reality? I sat in a box of a room, waiting for the phone to ring, looking at the world pass by around me while I sat at a computer and a desk, a window in front of me and a window beside me. I discovered how much of an extrovert I've truly become as I was restricted to my box of a room, sitting there for hours, and talking only on the phone for brief minutes with strangers. Whenever I was out of the box, I could find no one to hang out with--everyone was either working or asleep. It was so lonely, and there were nights that I fell asleep with tears rolling down my cheeks. I missed my world, my two homes. I missed my family, and I missed my corner of the city, with all my friends. I felt really alone for most of the summer. When I did have the opportunity to hang out with people, I felt like such an outsider. I felt like I was just flitting around the edges of already-established friend groups, or I felt like my time of life was so far away from some of the other summer staff members. Only a handful of the people here could I connect with, and with our different schedules, it was a rare occurrence when we had time to talk and hang out. So my reality was absolutely nothing like what I had imagined.
I always found it so ironic that the common theme of the poster we did was that I'm an encouragement. I was always so miserable. Sure, I always laughed and smiled at the right times, but underneath that, I felt how truly shallow those smiles and laughs were. The only times they were deeper was when I was with the handful of people I connected with. And those were just a stabbing pain that added to my misery because I knew that it would never get any deeper. There wasn't enough time.
So what has changed within me to go from misery to something else? I've let go of my expectations. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't still sadness, but it's sadness for the lack of time to really get to know the people I've connected with. I think my misery has also been lessened because I've started looking towards the next chapter of my life: Junior year at Grace. I've been getting things ready for my return, and so I'm excited to get back to Omaha. I'm not dwelling on camp as much anymore. I feel this chapter of my life closing, and I'm ready for it.
But I've also been reflecting on my time here. Like I asked in my last post, 'What is my purpose here?' I think part of what God had for me was a chance to learn who I really am. Camp stripped away all of my support systems--family and friends. They weren't here. So I had to learn how to go about life without leaning on them. I still talked to them every chance I got, thank goodness for texting, but it's not the same. Phone tag is no substitute for the real deal, the hugs, the sound of their voice, their laughter at all the jokes. It's been tough to see how much I rely on my friends and family. It's also been tough to wrestle with my demons, and to finally give them over to God. Part of why I rely so much on friends and family is because I can submerge myself in their worlds, and distract myself from feelings or thoughts that I don't want to deal with. And my situation at camp forced me to deal with the things I had been running from.
So camp... I came in, expecting to have an experience focused on others. But the experience that God had for me was much more internal, so much more focused. I needed to experience me in a way that I hadn't before. Finally seeing that has made such a difference. I'm content now. I know now what my purpose here was. If I ever come back, maybe my experience will be more others-focused. But this time, God taught me a lot about myself.
In my mind, camp was supposed to be this opportunity to escape life for a while, to spend time with kids, to make great new friends, to have a lot of fun, and maybe earn a decent tan for once. My reality? I sat in a box of a room, waiting for the phone to ring, looking at the world pass by around me while I sat at a computer and a desk, a window in front of me and a window beside me. I discovered how much of an extrovert I've truly become as I was restricted to my box of a room, sitting there for hours, and talking only on the phone for brief minutes with strangers. Whenever I was out of the box, I could find no one to hang out with--everyone was either working or asleep. It was so lonely, and there were nights that I fell asleep with tears rolling down my cheeks. I missed my world, my two homes. I missed my family, and I missed my corner of the city, with all my friends. I felt really alone for most of the summer. When I did have the opportunity to hang out with people, I felt like such an outsider. I felt like I was just flitting around the edges of already-established friend groups, or I felt like my time of life was so far away from some of the other summer staff members. Only a handful of the people here could I connect with, and with our different schedules, it was a rare occurrence when we had time to talk and hang out. So my reality was absolutely nothing like what I had imagined.
I always found it so ironic that the common theme of the poster we did was that I'm an encouragement. I was always so miserable. Sure, I always laughed and smiled at the right times, but underneath that, I felt how truly shallow those smiles and laughs were. The only times they were deeper was when I was with the handful of people I connected with. And those were just a stabbing pain that added to my misery because I knew that it would never get any deeper. There wasn't enough time.
So what has changed within me to go from misery to something else? I've let go of my expectations. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't still sadness, but it's sadness for the lack of time to really get to know the people I've connected with. I think my misery has also been lessened because I've started looking towards the next chapter of my life: Junior year at Grace. I've been getting things ready for my return, and so I'm excited to get back to Omaha. I'm not dwelling on camp as much anymore. I feel this chapter of my life closing, and I'm ready for it.
But I've also been reflecting on my time here. Like I asked in my last post, 'What is my purpose here?' I think part of what God had for me was a chance to learn who I really am. Camp stripped away all of my support systems--family and friends. They weren't here. So I had to learn how to go about life without leaning on them. I still talked to them every chance I got, thank goodness for texting, but it's not the same. Phone tag is no substitute for the real deal, the hugs, the sound of their voice, their laughter at all the jokes. It's been tough to see how much I rely on my friends and family. It's also been tough to wrestle with my demons, and to finally give them over to God. Part of why I rely so much on friends and family is because I can submerge myself in their worlds, and distract myself from feelings or thoughts that I don't want to deal with. And my situation at camp forced me to deal with the things I had been running from.
So camp... I came in, expecting to have an experience focused on others. But the experience that God had for me was much more internal, so much more focused. I needed to experience me in a way that I hadn't before. Finally seeing that has made such a difference. I'm content now. I know now what my purpose here was. If I ever come back, maybe my experience will be more others-focused. But this time, God taught me a lot about myself.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Purpose
Lord, I want to thank you for this summer. It has been fun, and it has also been trying. The trying part comes from me not really knowing what my purpose is here. I've been struggling with that a lot. It can't be to impact the kids that come through here, because the most I can do is wave at them from behind my glass. And I don't see this time as one that will produce long-lasting friendships. Half of the staff feel so far away from me, just because of personality differences. And with the ones I have gotten to know, I don't have the opportunity to get to know them better. So what is my purpose? The answer that I've seen so far is that I am to encourage people. You keep reminding me about the poster that everyone signed at the beginning, and how its common theme is encouragement. So is that all of my purpose here? Am I missing something?
I also wonder about what you have for me here this summer. How are you going to grow me? So far, I feel like you're showing me the power of prayer. I also think its a summer of letting go. Letting go of past mistakes, letting go of boy drama, and letting go of my control. Because I want you in control, Lord. Not me. I'm just afraid of letting go because I don't know if I can hear your voice well enough yet. So if I let go, will I just sort of be floating aimlessly? I know you're there, ready to catch me, but it's like that space between a dangling foot and the step. not very far at all, but it's truly terrifying. So help me to have the courage to let go, and fall into your arms. Help me to hear your voice, and to follow your leading. Help me to be who you want me to be.
Amen.
I also wonder about what you have for me here this summer. How are you going to grow me? So far, I feel like you're showing me the power of prayer. I also think its a summer of letting go. Letting go of past mistakes, letting go of boy drama, and letting go of my control. Because I want you in control, Lord. Not me. I'm just afraid of letting go because I don't know if I can hear your voice well enough yet. So if I let go, will I just sort of be floating aimlessly? I know you're there, ready to catch me, but it's like that space between a dangling foot and the step. not very far at all, but it's truly terrifying. So help me to have the courage to let go, and fall into your arms. Help me to hear your voice, and to follow your leading. Help me to be who you want me to be.
Amen.
Addictions
There are plenty of things to get addicted to in this life: substances, habits, places, people. One can get addicted to pretty much anything. And with every addiction comes the withdrawals. Different effects come with each type of withdrawal, and symptoms can differ with the person.
My symptoms are both emotional and physical. There is nothing but time that I can take to ease my sufferings. If I wanted to drug myself I could--there are plenty enough pills for that. But those are a weakness, and they only mask the pain anyway.
So wrestle I shall with these withdrawals. the tears that slip and burn with every closed eyelid. The sobs that silently wrack my body, so that no one knows how shattered I am. The longing and the pain that are so strong that I can't swallow, can't live with the sick feeling in my stomach, the hollow pit in my heart.
I miss home--both of them. I miss my family, my own bed, my pets, my stars. And I miss the family I've made at school. I miss laughing and joking with people who know the references. I miss being totally nerdy. I miss being completely me.
I'm so alone here. No one knows the references that are common to my tongue. No one here shares my brand of nerdiness. And there's no way to share that large part of who I am. I talk a lot less here. Not that I don't have words to say, but that I have no one to understand them.
I think back to a time when I would have been fine with that. A time when I could only be called an introvert. But now I've changed, and the extrovert in me holds dominance. I feel like I'm living a shadow life, one that grows brighter only with the times that I can talk to people from my real life.
And the longer I stay in this shadow life, the stronger the withdrawals get. I could let myself get addicted to the people in this shadow life, but an addiction like that takes time to foster. And this life is, after all, only a shadow. It will fade away soon enough.
In the end, I'm stuck with these withdrawals and the time it will take to heal them. May the shadow life fade quickly.
My symptoms are both emotional and physical. There is nothing but time that I can take to ease my sufferings. If I wanted to drug myself I could--there are plenty enough pills for that. But those are a weakness, and they only mask the pain anyway.
So wrestle I shall with these withdrawals. the tears that slip and burn with every closed eyelid. The sobs that silently wrack my body, so that no one knows how shattered I am. The longing and the pain that are so strong that I can't swallow, can't live with the sick feeling in my stomach, the hollow pit in my heart.
I miss home--both of them. I miss my family, my own bed, my pets, my stars. And I miss the family I've made at school. I miss laughing and joking with people who know the references. I miss being totally nerdy. I miss being completely me.
I'm so alone here. No one knows the references that are common to my tongue. No one here shares my brand of nerdiness. And there's no way to share that large part of who I am. I talk a lot less here. Not that I don't have words to say, but that I have no one to understand them.
I think back to a time when I would have been fine with that. A time when I could only be called an introvert. But now I've changed, and the extrovert in me holds dominance. I feel like I'm living a shadow life, one that grows brighter only with the times that I can talk to people from my real life.
And the longer I stay in this shadow life, the stronger the withdrawals get. I could let myself get addicted to the people in this shadow life, but an addiction like that takes time to foster. And this life is, after all, only a shadow. It will fade away soon enough.
In the end, I'm stuck with these withdrawals and the time it will take to heal them. May the shadow life fade quickly.
Who are You? Who am I?
Who am I? I am but a college student, a nobody from a nowhere town. I've done nothing in particular, haven't traveled far from home. i was never one of the popular kids and I don't intend to start now. I'm just me, a nobody from a nowhere town.
Who are you? You are God almighty, who fills all of eternity. You created the whole of the universe, every star and every planet in perfect harmony, singing together the glory of your name. you created all of life, and the balance and wonder that is within each system--from the beauty and depths of the sea, to the jungles and forests on land. You made it all, and the whole of creation points to Your magnificence. You cause the gentlest of days, the warmth of the summer sun glistening off the lake and the slight breeze that dances with the flowers. But you also call into being the mighty storms that destroy, so that life may begin anew. You also made people. so complex and so confusing we are, but You knew each of us from before time began. You built us, every atom put in place with Your loving touch, every cell working in accordance with Your instructions but you are also perfect, God, and so must judge our imperfections that we placed upon ourselves. We live only by Your mercy, and only You are the great physician. You are Father, You are Holy, You are Alpha and Omega. You are God.
Who am I? How can I dare to think that I can come before You, and kneel at Your throne, in Your presence? How can this nobody from a nowhere town have the audacity to think that God has time, will make time, for me? Why am I so important to God? I'm just a nobody from a nowhere town.
Who am I? I am but Your creation, made to be used for Your purpose. I am made Your child through Your sacrifice for me. I am made alive. I am raised from the dust of the ground, to inherit eternal life with You in Heaven. Who am I to receive such blessings? I am Yours.
Who are you? You are God almighty, who fills all of eternity. You created the whole of the universe, every star and every planet in perfect harmony, singing together the glory of your name. you created all of life, and the balance and wonder that is within each system--from the beauty and depths of the sea, to the jungles and forests on land. You made it all, and the whole of creation points to Your magnificence. You cause the gentlest of days, the warmth of the summer sun glistening off the lake and the slight breeze that dances with the flowers. But you also call into being the mighty storms that destroy, so that life may begin anew. You also made people. so complex and so confusing we are, but You knew each of us from before time began. You built us, every atom put in place with Your loving touch, every cell working in accordance with Your instructions but you are also perfect, God, and so must judge our imperfections that we placed upon ourselves. We live only by Your mercy, and only You are the great physician. You are Father, You are Holy, You are Alpha and Omega. You are God.
Who am I? How can I dare to think that I can come before You, and kneel at Your throne, in Your presence? How can this nobody from a nowhere town have the audacity to think that God has time, will make time, for me? Why am I so important to God? I'm just a nobody from a nowhere town.
Who am I? I am but Your creation, made to be used for Your purpose. I am made Your child through Your sacrifice for me. I am made alive. I am raised from the dust of the ground, to inherit eternal life with You in Heaven. Who am I to receive such blessings? I am Yours.
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