Who are You? Who am I?

Who am I?  I am but a college student, a nobody from a nowhere town.  I've done nothing in particular, haven't traveled far from home.  i was never one of the popular kids and I don't intend to start now.  I'm just me, a nobody from a nowhere town.

Who are you?  You are God almighty, who fills all of eternity.  You created the whole of the universe, every star and every planet in perfect harmony, singing together the glory of your name.  you created all of life, and the balance and wonder that is within each system--from the beauty and depths of the sea, to the jungles and forests on land.  You made it all, and the whole of creation points to Your magnificence.  You cause the gentlest of days, the warmth of the summer sun glistening off the lake and the slight breeze that dances with the flowers.  But you also call into being the mighty storms that destroy, so that life may begin anew.  You also made people.  so complex and so confusing we are, but You knew each of us from before time began.  You built us, every atom put in place with Your loving touch, every cell working in accordance with Your instructions   but you are also perfect, God, and so must judge our imperfections that we placed upon ourselves.  We live only by Your mercy, and only You are the great physician.  You are Father, You are Holy, You are Alpha and Omega.  You are God.

Who am I?  How can I dare to think that I can come before You, and kneel at Your throne, in Your presence?  How can this nobody from a nowhere town have the audacity to think that God has time, will make time, for me?  Why am I so important to God?  I'm just a nobody from a nowhere town.

Who am I?  I am but Your creation, made to be used for Your purpose.  I am made Your child through Your sacrifice for me.  I am made alive.  I am raised from the dust of the ground, to inherit eternal life with You in Heaven.  Who am I to receive such blessings?  I am Yours.

My City of Stars

A small little place is where I grew up, with a few close friends at my side.  And on summer nights we'd walk the town, and watch the stars spread wide.  So numerous and beautiful, my soul was filled with awe.  We friends sun praise to the Maker of it all.  But then I moved to the city, and my stars were hidden from my sight.  At first I lamented, seeing this only as a plight.  The sky no longer had its familiar shine, and it felt like I had left my heart at home.  But as time went on, and the nights did pass, my heart began to roam.  So then came the time that I moved to a new small place, and the stars shone brilliant once more.  And as I sat there under those stars, I noticed something I hadn't before.  The stars were more numerous than I could remember.  But the solace of those stars were as cold to me as a silent December.  I thought "Why?  How can this be?" And as I sat there thinking, the answer came to me.  I had no need to seek solace in the stars now.  In the city, my stars weren't in the sky, but around me--that's how.

Update time....

So my summer job this year has been working at Maranatha Bible Camp.  I work in the Hospitality Desk, answering phones, taking care of camper mail, and also doing camper bank from time to time.  It's been nice--I've met some new people, I get to listen to music all day, and it's also been a time to learn.  But camp has also been trying, and very lonely.  Because of my schedule, I don't really have the opportunity to make long-lasting friendships with the people I get to work with, and there's not really a lot of common interests between me and my co-workers.  So between the job and the lack of quality time spent with people, I'm left to a lot of writing and thinking time.  So the following few posts will be ones from my time so far at camp.

Fetal Position

     So you know that point in life where you just want to assume the fetal position and let the stormy part of life pass around you while you cower under the covers?  Yeah, that's life for me right now.  And as much as I want to run away, I can't.  Because life always has a way of coming around and biting me in the butt.  This is the biting part.  I've been doing the running.  I want to be like the kid who hides behind parents' legs, but I'm supposed to be an adult now, and mom and dad aren't here.  I must start slaying my own dragons.  And that's scary as heck.  You see, spiders and snakes and things like that, I've got no problem with.  Normal fears and phobias are just like 'whatever' for me.  My fears all have to do with my future, or certain confrontations.  These are the fears that haunt me at all hours, rob me of sleep, and have me wanting to assume the fetal position.  
     Okay, so it's time for the background story.  How I got to this point.  Well for starters, I'm an Elementary Education major, so one of the required bits for study is practicums - going to help out in classrooms, get a feel for what teaching is like.  At the beginning of the semester, I was all set to do my first practicum and all that, but then through circumstances, I haven't done anything with that.  I was supposed to.  Now not all of it is my fault.  My school communicates primary through email, and for a while, I was without my laptop.  So I had to get a new one, making me computer free for a while.  That doesn't really work well with emailing.  There are also big parts of this that are my fault though.  For starters, I'm not the best at checking my email on a daily basis.  But also, I was just getting scared of having to go out, into a new school, working with new people, and trying to keep up the image of my university while doing it.  I felt pretty pressured.  That's kind of a lot of weight, and it was making me nervous.  So I procrastinated and never did anything about my practicum.  Didn't start it, didn't even try to contact the teacher, nothing.  I was trying to run away.  It's worked for the most part.  I've really delayed having to do anything about it.  But now I must go talk with one of my professors about my practicum.  And I have a feeling it won't be pretty.  So I'm even more scared of that now.  And I want to run.  But I have no where to turn to, no where to hide.
      So that's one reason, and I think reason enough to want to assume the fetal position.  That's how much I'm not looking forward to it.  But there's also another reason.  Again, dealing with confrontation in the end.  Like I said earlier, I'm in Elementary Education, but lately I've been thinking of switching over and majoring in English.  Not English Ed, just straight English.  Now here's the snag: I've spent two years in El. Ed., and even took a few Ed. classes in high school.  And I still need to tell my parents that I want to switch majors. Will they be like "Okay.  We fully support you in this, and have absolutely no ties to the idea of you being a teacher."  No.  It will go more like this: "That's a stupid idea.  You've already invested this much time and money into this, finish it out.  Besides, a lot of the money that went into this was ours.  If you switch now, it'll be like you've been wasting money."  So talking to them.... yeah that'll be fun.  Now I've got good, solid reasons why I want to switch, and it's not just me running away from teaching.  But will that be enough?  
     Through this all, I also need to register for classes (once I get my major figured out) and fill out my housing contract (which is slightly dependent on my class schedule).  Did I mention that there's only a few weeks left of school, so finals are around the corner?  Yeah, these are fun times for me.  And I'm coming to the end of the track.  There's no where left for me to run.  I can't curl up in a fetal position.  But that's all I can seem to handle right now.  

Tolerance

     An issue I've been thinking of for a while is the topic of tolerance, like when it comes to stuff such as the gay rights movement.  It is so sad for me to see how the propaganda from that has made its way into how Christians think and act, especially among those in my age range.  It seems I see items of the propaganda daily, on Pintrest and Facebook.  Even friends who I met on a Christian camping trip re-post some of it.  I'm worried about what it is doing to God's message.
     Let's review the most amazing love story ever: God created a perfect world, in which everything was perfect.  He gave this perfect world to Adam and Eve, whom he created, and gave them one rule.  Don't eat from the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  When surrounded by a plethora of other perfect foods, it would seem that this rule should be a piece of cake, right?  And it was a rule put in place to protect Adam and Eve.  While that rule was obeyed, they lived in blissfulness, never knowing anything bad.  It was a perfect world.  But it was not to last.  Encouraged by an evil snake, who we know to be Satan, the devil, Eve broke the one rule God had.  She ate the fruit from the forbidden tree, and gave some to Adam as well.  Instantly, they knew what evil was, and knew that they would never be good enough to be in the presence of a perfect God again.  They tried to hide the wrong that they had done, tried to cover it up themselves, but it was no good.  Nothing they could do would ever return them to what life had been before.  The only thing that could rid them of their sin in God's eyes was a blood sacrifice.  God himself performed that first blood sacrifice, and covered their sin for them.  Once more, they could be in the presence of a perfect God.  
     This is the story of Salvation, and although the provision of Salvation has changed some since then (but not a lot), the story of God's love and sacrifice is still there.  And it is still true that God is perfect, and only perfection can be in His presence in Heaven.  There's not a lot of wiggle room on that.  It's pretty ... not tolerant.  Perfection is perfection, and anything less doesn't even begin to cover it.  
     So why are we being so tolerant?  Tolerance isn't what God's message says.  Tolerance isn't the way to His side.  We are doing no one any favors by being so tolerant of sin.  We might think that we don't want to damage the relationship with that person.  How damaged is it going to be when you both are on opposite sides of eternity?  We might think "I want that person to like me." Well guess what- IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! It's about the welfare of that person's soul.  We have to ask ourselves what are we living for? Kingdom or Comfort?  Tolerance is living for comfort.  Comfort fades away as fast as the blink of an eye.  Perfection through Christ is what will last for eternity.  So why tolerate anything less?

Lost in translation

     Tonight, Dad was working on his material for his Bible Study, and I was listening to him go through it.  He was putting together stuff for a discussion over Romans 13, where it talks about being submissive to governing authorities.  We got to talking about how that passage is so often misread today, and is taken to mean that Christians should not ever go against anyone who is in a governing position.  But that is not what the passage is saying, nor is that assumption true.  When Paul wrote it, the general idea among Christians was that since Christ was their King, they did not have to respond at all to Caesar.  But since we do still live in a fallen world, we need to obey the governing authorities, so long as those authorities stay in line with what Christ has said.  Romans 13 is not saying that anyone in a governing position is the highest authority.  Christ is, and it is His will that we must follow.  If someone in a governing position is not in line with Christ, then we as Christians should not follow it, and must rebel against it if that is the only course left.
     But during our discussion, I was reminded of what one of my professors had talked about one day in class.  He had talked about the differences in different Bible translations, and how some are closer hermaneutically than others.  Basically, he explained it like this:

So through all of this, my prayer for tonight is to always ask God to give me discernment when I'm looking for the meaning in His word.

The Jeweler's Wares

            “Our jeweler is the best.  No one in the world can match his skill,” crowed Ruby to her friends.  “I was talking the other day to my new friend Diamond.  She’s from some other shop, and she said that she got sent here so that real perfection could be achieved.  She says that our Andy’s work is so legendary, people say that he creates all of us out of nothing.  Any time he makes one of us, we’re absolutely perfect, just the way he wants us to be.”

            “I heard,” cut in Pearl, “that he doesn’t even have to find materials to make us either.  He just goes into his workshop, and comes out again, with a new perfect gem in his hands.”

            “I love how each of us is made unique.  No cut is the same, no shape the carbon copy of the next one.  I can’t imagine how Andy can do it. He’s made so many of us, and has never used the same design twice.  Wow,” Emerald sighed contentedly.

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            Ladomar grimaced as he walked past the gems’ shelf.  They were at it again.  Talking about their favorite subject.  Andy.  It was all they talked about as they awaited their purpose.  It was always ‘Andy this’ and ‘Andy that’.   Ladomar was sick of it.  Everywhere he went, it was Andy’s name that he heard.  No one ever mentioned his name; no one talked about who was always in Andy’s shadow.  Everyone forgot that Andy had an assistant.  Ladomar thought that even Andy himself forgot now and then.  He tried to tune out what the jewels were saying as he went about his work in the shop, cleaning up, straightening everything, making it all perfect.  But no matter how he tried to drown out the jewels’ voices, their words were always grating against his ears.  And the worst of it was that it was all true.  There was no one who could even come close to claiming the skill that Andy possessed.  Ladomar still had no idea how Andy was able to create so many unique, perfect pieces.  In all his years working for him, Ladomar still hadn’t learned the secret.  And that’s what cut the deepest.

            At first, he was content to remain in the shadows, was thrilled to be so close to the one who could do so many fantastic things.  He had been in utter awe of Andy.  But as time went on, he got used to the wonders, until they ceased to be wonderful to him.  He began hoping that Andy would start treating him like an apprentice, start teaching him how to make such wonderful jewels.  But with each passing day, Andy kept up his work, saying only a few words to Ladomar, and never invited him into his private workshop.  Ladomar had even tried bringing up the matter to Andy, and ask him to teach him.  But on every occasion, Andy had walked by preoccupied, not hearing him, or had not answered the question, and one time told him a solitary “No.”  Ladomar couldn’t believe it.  He had worked for Andy for so long, and had asked for nothing else, and Andy wouldn’t even teach him?  All Ladomar wanted was to be as great of a jeweler as Andy was.  Surely that wasn’t too much, right?  He deserved the chance to be Andy’s apprentice.  Assisting him just wasn’t enough.  So Ladomar began to feel resentment against Andy, began to hate the sound of his name, began to long for the day when his name would be praised just as highly- no, higher- than Andy’s name.

            So here he was again, running the jewel shop, hearing the gems go on and on about their maker, and still no closer to becoming a great jeweler himself than he had been on his first day.  He couldn’t take it anymore.  Ladomar waited until Andy left, and went into his private workshop.  He hoped, at the very least, that the room would hold all of the secrets of great jewel-making.  His whole being jittered with anticipation as he closed his fingers on the knob, turned the handle, and pushed open the door.  The room was black as he entered, and Ladomar fumbled around a bit before finding the light switch.  Finally, he could learn as much as Andy knew, and then he could leave, and start his own jewelry shop.  He could- …do nothing!  A single bulb lit up the room, revealing a wood floor and green walls.  Nothing was in that room.  Not even dust bunnies.  Ladomar couldn’t believe it.  He started looking around for a trap door.  There had to be something.  Surely Andy didn’t actually make the gems out of nothing.  There had to be a process that Ladomar could duplicate.  He had to be better than Andy.  He- … Ladomar turned back to the door at the sound of Andy’s return. 

            “What are you doing in here?” asked Andy.  His voice was calm, and his eyes told Ladomar that there would be no way out of this.  Andy already knew what Ladomar was going to say, already knew all the excuses that he could conjure up. 

            “I want to be as great as you.  Greater than you.  I can’t just be your assistant anymore.  I need to learn.”  Ladomar’s voice was defiant.

            Andy’s voice was kind as he replied, “Ladomar, you know I revere you highly.  I have put you in charge of running my shop, have given you the highest position.  But you cannot be like me.  You were brought in here to serve.  That is your place.  Please return to it.”

            “No!”  shouted Ladomar.  “I will not!  I deserve to be greater than you.  I’ve done so much for you!  I’ve heard your name be praised everywhere I go, and no one acknowledges my existence!  I’m tired of living in your shadow!  I deserve my own spotlight!”

            “Ladomar, please, calm yourself.  Return to your place.  Forget these desires for greatness.  Be great in what you have been called to do.”

            “No!”

            “Then I must ask you to leave.  I cannot allow you ruin this place with your attitude.” Andy was as calm as ever. 

            “Fine! I’ll leave!  But don’t ever expect me to come back!”  Ladomar stormed out of the little work room, and in his rage, threw around all of the beautiful gems Andy had made.  The gems cracked and broke into shards, and Ladomar threw most out onto the street.  He then went to go lick his wounds in the company of his friends.

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            Sapphire was shy when she arrived at Andy’s shop.  The other jewels who were there were very helpful though.  They did not try to push her, didn’t try to get her to share with them her experiences.  So for the first few days, she just listened.  She heard Ruby talk about her experiences.

            “I remember that day.  I remember Ladomar suddenly went crazy.  He went into Andy’s private workshop, which no one is ever supposed to do, and he started yelling at Andy, saying he should be greater than him.  When Andy told him- nicely, mind you- to please go back to running the shop, he lost it.  He stormed out, and the next thing I knew, he had picked me up and thrown me across the room.  I hit the wall, crashed onto the floor, and saw pieces of me shattered around me.  It was so horrible.  I was broken.  Cracked.  No longer perfect, like Andy had made me.  But Andy fixed me.  He saw past all of my brokenness, and put me back together.  I still have a few scars, but I am whole again, because of him.” 

Ruby’s story was one of the better ones.  Some jewels had spent some time outside of the shop, like Sapphire had, but had gotten to be returned to the store sooner than she.  Their stories were similar to hers, but also similar to Ruby’s.  Topaz told of how he had seen Ladomar one day on the streets, and how he and the friends he had with him would come up to broken jewels, like him, and would try to tell them all these bad things about Andy, or would try to twist the truth into a lie.  Some jewels were young enough to believe Ladomar, and would then let themselves get more cracked and broken before they realized what was going on.  Other gems were wise enough to know the wholeness that Andy could give them, and slowly tried to work their way back into his shop.  None of them had made it on their own, though.  Topaz told of a few people who were loyal to Andy who had helped return them.  Topaz himself was still in the process of being made new.  He still had a giant gash going through him, and a small chip here and there muddled his outline, but he wasn’t completely shattered like Sapphire was. 

Some jewels refused to admit that they had a story.  They never wanted to see their own brokenness, never admitted to being completely shattered.  Garnett was one of those jewels.  “I am just fine the way I am, this is who I’m supposed to be,” she would declare haughtily.  “If Andy didn’t want me to be like this, he wouldn’t have let it happen,” she’d say with a sneer.  Each day, the gems could see a new piece of her cracking or chipping off. 

Other jewels focused too much on their brokenness.  All that they could think of was how they were chipped, cracked, gouged, and how they could do nothing to fix it.  They lived for the days when Andy would spend time with them, putting the pieces back, smoothing out the cracks.  But then they would return from his workshop and see only the pieces that were missing, the cracks that were not yet filled. 

As she herself went through the process of being made new, Sapphire looked at those around her and watched.  It seemed to her like there were three categories of gems.  The first category saw only the beauty of what Andy had done.  They didn’t bother to look at the imperfections, and they acted like they weren’t even there.  It was as if their view of life was zoomed out so far that they couldn’t see any details.  The second category saw only the flaws, but never looked beyond them to see the beauty of Andy’s creation.  These gems looked at life through a lens zoomed in. 

Sapphire loved the days when it was her turn to spend some time with Andy in his workshop.  He would talk to her, tell her that he loved her, and tell her that he had a special purpose for her.  And slowly, he started putting her pieces back together.  As she was being mended, she thought she belonged to the third category of gems.  She saw that she still had flaws and marks on her, but she could also see the beauty of what Andy was doing for her.  It was like she viewed life at the right spot- not too far away, and not too close.  Sometimes she would struggle with leaning towards one view or another, but after spending time with Andy, she got better at seeing the picture from the right distance.  For that, she thanked Andy, and praised him for his greatness.  She also hoped that the other gems could learn to see their lives through that lens as well.  She hoped that the gems would stop listening to the twisted lies that Ladomar told them, and would instead listen to what Andy had to tell them.  Sapphire loved having that perspective, and tried to share it with her friends as often as she could.

Author’s Note

This story is a creative rendering of a true story found in the Bible, and of some of my own musings.  Because of this, there is a lot of parallelism between my story and the Bible’s account.  The part that is based on my own musings is how my mind creatively translated my thoughts of brokenness and how we are like Andy’s jewels.  Andy’s jewels can’t really do anything for themselves.  They’re incapable of fixing themselves, and must rely on Andy to do that.  There’s also a lot of meaning behind the names “Andy” and “Ladomar.”  Ladomar, of course, is based on Lucifer.  When I started thinking about writing this story, I wanted to pick a name that both started with an “L” and reflected on the character.  “Ladomar” is Hungarian, and means “trapper.”  Andy’s name isn’t quite as meaningful, but it is based on a reference.  There is a joke that goes: “Do you know God’s first name? It’s Andy.  ‘And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own.’  So since Andy is the God figure in this story, I thought it would be a fitting name for his character.